Sude

Submitted by Becka (United States), Jan 18, 2018 at 18:24

Before I begin my saga, I would like to send my good wishes to all the women and men who have told their stories on here, trying to make sense of what has occurred in their lives. I have never posted a comment on this site before, thus far, only being a fly on the wall. But this time, I am compelled to respond to you, Sude, because I feel what you said about trust...

I was with the same man for over 20 years. He was my first love and I wanted him to be my only love. We met in our teens, and made a life together from nothing. There were never any issues with cheating or lying from myself or him, but I felt there was a layer of intimacy missing between us, probably due to the fact he sometimes became violent with me. Over time, it eroded my self worth and I didn't feel 100% safe with him. That is, I could no longer put my safety in his hands and trust that he wouldn't hurt me again. After years of anguishing over what to do, I decided to change my life and leave.

I moved far away from him to distance myself from the good and bad memories and be closer to family. But the thing is about memories, they follow you whatever you go. For over a year, I grieved and mourned for anything good I ever had with him and I spent most of my time with my mother refusing to date or have anything to do with men. Still healing but feeling like I was ready to start socializing, I decided to go on a dating site that was geared toward women dating younger men. Yes, it was a cougar site. I chose that type of site because I figured there would be a greater chance of meeting men with less complications, no children, less baggage and also I am more attracted to men younger than myself, and they seemed to be attracted to me, hitting on me when I was grocery shopping and working out and other places.

I ended up dating some of the men I met on the "cougar" site who actually lived in my metropolitan area, but after one date with all of them, I decided I didn't want to waste their time or my time, and go on any second dates, not feeling a connection with any of them. I did "meet" a few men on the dating site that I actually enjoyed chatting/talking with that seemed they wouldn't take advantage of me in my fragile emotional state. One lived in Italy. One was in the United States, but over 1000 miles from me. And one lived in Turkey (I found out later he was from Morocco and only in Turkey temporarily for a study program).
After about a month of being on the dating site, I deleted my account but stayed in contact with my 3 online friends. Months passed, and I eventually stopped responding to the guy in Italy because I knew I never cared about meeting him in person so I didn't see the point talking with him anymore. My 2 remaining online friends I continued to correspond with.

The guy in the United States ended up being manipulative and mentally sick and I discovered he never had any intention of meeting me in person. I did eventually completely block him from being able to contact me in any way, but I know if I wasn't in such a vulnerable frame of mind, I would have blocked him much sooner than I did. My Moroccan friend I still talked with every week. His mind was like a sponge, absorbing everything I told him. He asked me thousands of questions about the English language, about American culture, about the world and myself. We would laugh for hours about so many stupid things. I asked him about his life. He definitely was more guarded about how much personal information he would share with me but the more time we spent online, the more he opened up to me and I found myself wanting to know as much as possible about him. We started telling each other really personal things and I really felt my secrets were safe with him. And, yes, I wanted to meet him. He would hint about us meeting and he'd tell me if he was in the U.S. he would visit me. At this point he was finishing up his studies in Turkey and would soon be going back to Morocco.

One day, I hadn't heard from him for a few days and I found myself missing him. I messaged him and got a response but it wasn't from him. It was from one of the host family members in Turkey. She said it was my friend's last day in Turkey and that her brother had taken him to the airport to fly back to Morocco. I wish he would have told me just so I'd feel like I was more a part of his life. Normal sharing between friends. And I was concerned I may never hear from him again. I felt sad about it but hoped he'd get in touch with me.

A month went by, and I was surprised and delighted to receive a message from him. He was settling back into life at home and it gave me such a great feeling to know he was safe and that he didn't forget me. So, we picked up our routine of regular visits on webcam. He still had the sponge mind and I loved that about him. Sometimes I felt like I was conducting an ESL class, but I was happy to assist because he was so intelligent and articulate and well, he was my friend. He did bring up the topic of us meeting again and I told him I could fly to Morocco. In my heart I was ready to meet him but he told me it just wasn't a good time in his life for me to come there and what could I do but accept it if I still wanted to be friends. So my online friendship continued with this handsome and hilariously funny younger man. I did my best to stay positive about the situation of us being so far apart and him having no means to visit me in the U.S. I knew he truly cared about me and I hoped to meet him some day and he said he would find a way to meet me even if it was to visit me just as friends if I happened to find love with someone else.

I decided to set up a new account on the dating site i was on for one month the previous year to give it one more chance, and went a a few more dates but again i didn't find myself attracted to any of them. Then, I got a message from this guy that lived in the southern part of the U.S. I could tell he was intelligent but also had a hard edge to his personality. He didn't seem to care about seeing me on webcam. Didn't type anything perverted or inappropriate. And I had a little crack in my heart because I wanted to meet my Moroccan friend so badly but it was out of my control so I thought to myself I can't just be a hermit and die alone. I found out he was from Algeria but had also lived in France and had been in the U.S. for a few years. We messaged back and forth about films, politics, cultural differences, music, many things. I told my Moroccan friend about him and I recall he might have joked, "watch out".

After one month of chatting I met the Algerian on webcam. Unfortunately, I didn't sense anything that would denote he was a mastermind with a toolbox full of evil. He would message me 2 or 3 times a month and I fell into a pattern of debating all sorts of things with him. Really it was something to do, no more. I still treasured my time visiting via webcam with my good friend in Morocco. We got really creative and gave each other brain teaser quizzes, random question tests, he watched me bake cookies or sew and he would draw me really artistic doodles to entertain me.

About 6 months after messaging off and on with the Algerian, he called me. I'd only actually talked to him a couple of times before when we were briefly on webcam. He was pleasant enough and definitely could hold a conversation. He said the same of me and he started calling me almost every night, sometime on his lunch break from work or his commute home or later in the evening. He called me consistently for 6 months. We talked about meeting and he offered to fly up to my area of the U.S. He lived in a part of the country I had never been to so I decided I would fly down to him and if I felt unsafe, I would go to a nearby hotel and do a spa week and then fly home.

So I flew south and he picked me up at the airport. He was much quieter in person and there was nothing flashy about him like he was going out of his way to impress me. So, naive me thought this was a sign of him being an honest person. We did simple things such as hiking all over hills and state parks in the beautiful state he lived in. Our relationship became intense FAST. Love bombing me blind. He told me he loved me the 3rd week and asked me to marry him. I said yes. He bought me a ring. He wanted to spend every minute with me. Wanted me to change my phone number. This began the isolation process. He did not want me to talk with my Moroccan friend at all. It was not a request, it was a demand. This hurt me a lot but I thought about my fiance's culture and because I was to marry him, I painfully honored his wishes. After I returned home after being with my newly acquired finance for about 4 weeks, I messaged my Moroccan friend telling him the "good news" that I was engaged and because we never even met in person, my fiance did not want me to speak with him anymore. This was hard on both of us. He wished me the best life and I wished him the best of everything. It was sad. I had such a profound connection with my friend in Morocco and I had to cut all ties with him. He had such a sensitive soul I prayed that he would be okay. And I found a little comfort knowing he had his parents, his sisters, and other family with him.

I moved down to my fiances apartment within 2 months of getting engaged. The love bombing continued. We spent all our time together. We started talking wedding plans. None of his family lived in the U.S. He came here alone. The cracks in his facade started to appear after I had lived there 2 months. I put the wedding on hold, but here I was 1000 miles from my family and friends. One minute he would tell me that he loved how smart and kind and sexy I was and the next minute he would call me an animal and say I was too aggressive and not feminine enough. Then he's apologize and brush off his behavior due to him being stressed about something and make me a nice dinner or take me out to dinner.

Meanwhile, I was having severe abdominal pain and bleeding and I was so scared. I never had any health issues in my life. And my best friend, really more like family, up north was losing her sister to ovarian cancer while I was going through my own hell. I was in so much pain and I cried every day even when I wasn't being called an animal. I went to the doctor and after extensive testing and information I gave to my doctor, she determined I had miscarriage. I was sad as I wanted a baby but it was a blessing at the same time because things only got worse with my finance. I had never been exposed to it in my life so I didn't see the warning signs. He would gaslight me telling me I was imagining things if I asked him a question about a concern I had. Then he put me in the discard phase by the 4th month. I ended up leaving him, moving back up north and I thought that would be it but he started calling me and convinced me that things would get better. I hung on feeling like I failed. Like I did something wrong.

I had been back up north in my new home for a month or so unpacking boxes, crying, feeling like I want to die. I had a facebook account but never went on it. my Moroccan friend that I missed so much had sent my mom a message or two to find out if I was okay. He is very intuitive and I think he sensed that something was wrong with me. She forwarded the messages to my email and I was relieved to know he still cared about me. I got in touch with him and we began again our friendship. I told him the horrible things I endured while being engaged to the monster and stupid me I was still letting him be a part of my life. This went on for 6 months after I moved north. My friend listened as I cried and at some point he said to me, "when are you going to say you've had enough?" I know it bothered him seeing me upset and I was sure glad he listened me. He was a great comfort through my entire purging process. And he listened so patiently like nobody else.

We got our friendship back on track and he did admit to me that after no contact from me for almost one year, he was so happy to hear from me but his pride almost kept him from messaging me back. The feelings that were inside me for him were still there, just as deep as ever. He was back in school working on finishing up his college studies. I'd sometimes help him with assignments and he's help me when I had a computer problem. He even got into web design and set up a comprehensive translation blog arabic to english blog. We are both sorts of nerds and would spend hours on the nuances of what an expression or idiom means in american english vs british english.

And I thanked God he was back in my life even though there was still a great distance between us. My attraction for him grew and grew and I believe his feelings for me were growing too. He knows everything about me. He met some of my family and friends via skype. I wanted everyone to know he is my great friend. And of course I was yearning to meet him in person. He was talking freely now, his english being near flawless and I still loved conversing with him about trivial things, or he would joke around and put himself down a bit that he is bad at math or can't swim, which I wish he didn't do because I think he is perfect just the way he is. And then sometimes we would be serious and quietly dream together aloud about all of our hopes for the future.

One of my hopes was that he and I would be together some day and I hoped that he was getting to the point of being ready to meet and he said he just needed a little more time and plus he wasn't quite done with his degree so again my heart was put on hold. Some days I could deal with it okay but some days I ached for him and was envious of everyone that got to have this great guy in their life. I would think to myself, I wish I could at least work at the neighborhood oven where he takes their bread to bake just so I could see him. Or I wish I could be the barber that cuts his hair. He has the power to shine a sunbeam on my cloudy day just with a flash of his smile in my direction even if it's only on a little LED screen.

By this time, it had been 2 years since I got over the monster and I told him we need to meet sometime this year, 2016, so please think about how you will tell your family about me, and when I can visit you. He was very careful, the way he chose his words and although he never said he loved me, exactly, he conveyed he felt the same about me in many different ways. The year, went by quickly, as they do, and it was autumn and I said if there's no way you can visit me then show me what you can do to bring us together, I'm crazy about you and it kills me inside that i've never sat in the same room with you.

I felt discouraged and started to doubt his level of caring and love for me and i told him if you don't start the process of letting your family know who i am, i can't go on. it's too painful for me after years of not ever spending time with him. It wasn't just my heart that ached. sometimes my whole body felt the pain. I wanted to experience his life, and meet everyone who is important to him. I want him to experience my life and introduce him to everyone important to me. He finally, casually slipped me into a conversation he was having one day with his family, that he has a good american friend and he brought his mom into his room so she could see and hear me on webcam. She doesn't speak english so he told her what to say. And he translated for her what I said. The feeling I had inside was magical. I could have touched the stars that day because I felt so good, okay, it's going to happen soon. we are going to meet!

I started looking at plane tickets for the beginning of 2017 and made all my arrangements to fly to Morocco the end of February, I got the vaccinations I needed, everything. I was set to go. I knew that his parents hadn't been at home much during this time because his father's elderly mother was sick and so his parents were spending a lot of time out of their home. My friend told his mom I was coming for a visit and he told me she wanted me to come but at a better time when they could be home and host my visit properly. I was crushed. My friend told me 2 days before I was supposed to leave on my trip. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. I think he felt bad about it because he knows how much planning and effort i put into my trip to meet him. i asked him to please tell me the truth if he doesn't want me anymore and he said, of course i want to meet you and we will. he always assured me we will meet!
He gave me the updates about his grandmother and he finally said she was getting better after about a month. I asked him to please find out from his parents when I can rebook my flight to him because I couldn't miss my mother's birthday celebration in June and I didn't want to go in the heat of summer and during Ramadan.

We were still talking regularly early in the spring but I tired of asking him when I could come so I said you contact me when you have the okay from your parents when I can rebook my flight. I heard from him only a few times over a couple of months and i missed him so much but I knew I couldn't have a pleasant conversation with him if my stomach feels like someone is turning a knife in it because I have anxiety about when I'll be invited to visit. In his sweet way, his gentle manner that he's always had, he'd contact me to just check on me even if he didn't have an answer from his parents yet.

Now the autumn came and I was busy helping a friend with wedding stuff and I so much wanted to fly to Morocco right after the wedding in October. But, something happened between us. I think that came from anxiety and the feeling of frustration from both of us. Him not living alone and having to consult others about a decision like me visiting and me beginning to feel like the stars won't align for us to meet. I remember it was the middle of September and I asked my friend repeatedly to please tell his mom the dates I have in mind for my ticket just so I feel more assured and comfortable with rebooking it. He said he would tell her in his way and he has a way of making me feel good where I have complete confidence in him. He does always make me feel safe. And I trust that he is a man of his word. So I asked for him to put his words into action, please! My heart was just breaking inside. He said he would. Then we lost our skype connection and he was just texting, "are you okay? I am going to go get ready for bed but I want to make sure you are okay before I go." I text him I wasn't okay because in that moment I felt so helpless saying out loud, "God, I know he is a good man, but why is this so hard to meet one of my favorite people in the world?" And I broke down and sobbed.

And then something strange happened. He. went. silent. September, Oct, Nov, Dec. No communication from him. nothing. I was angry with frustration and at the same time frightfully worried about him. He had never acted this way before with me. I cried everyday, I started to withdraw and became less social because I felt like I lost him from my life. And the sadness was unbearable at times.

I almost would be ready to contact him I would stop myself because I thought what if he doesn't respond? I have no way of finding out if he's dead or doesn't want me anymore. both being equally tragic and painful. After 3 months of nothing I contacted him. I said to myself, put your pride aside and contact him. so I reached out. and he reached back. After not seeing him for over 3 months. It was hard not to cry with joy. Seeing his smile again. We have talked several times recently. I rebooked my ticket. He told me an uncle is helping him act as a family buffer to make my arrival smoother. I am excited beyond words. My stomach feels like I have an entire tree of migrating monarch butterflies in it. I pray that we can fall into our comfortable rhythm that we have had together for years. We'll just be transferring it to 3D. Knowing him had enriched my life and I hope i have enriched his.

I'm so proud of his accomplishments and his character. I strive for his good opinion of me. I want to be my best with him and for him. He has touched my heart in countless ways and he has a heart of gold and has been an emotional rock for me when I needed him to be. The only missing ingredient will be supplied in one month when I exit the plane. Our meeting is long overdue but it won't be any less meaningful for me. Actually, more meaningful because I've waited and prayed for this for so long. I sincerely hope that any rough spots and misunderstandings we've had in our friendship will melt away with our first embrace. This is not an addiction in my case. I am living proof you can fall in love with someone you've never touched or even been in the same room with. I trust him with my life and my heart. The world is better because he's in it.

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