I want to share my feeling about it .. I was a victim..

Submitted by Sude (Turkey), Jan 10, 2018 at 16:11

I loved a guy but at the begining I felt something wrong but I didnt want to believe .
That was my end message

I talked with my friends mother about us who is psychiatrist ,I said everything between us . How you treated me and what did you do to me .. and how was our relationship. She Said its unhealthy relationship. So it is same for me . And now i realized a lot of things. I remembered who i am and what is my wishes from life . And i understand that our relationship is not what i want from my life .. This lifestyle with you is not my lifestyle to live .you insulted me a lot of times and ı started to lose my self confidence .I am sorry about everythin i wish it couldnt be like that . And i see that you gave me a lot of damage mentally. this relationship doesnt have trust . I dont feel like myself . I came to her because ı realized that you were trying to make me addict to you. I know you were not trying on purpose .but everything you did showed me its true . ( dont go out , dont do this dont do that , just spend a time with me dont see this ...) It means you dont trust me either. My personality changed . i used to be happy , but when i was with you i always think about relationship ... think and think . I got so tired and i know that you too . This is not me i am sorry but i should say stop . I don't want to waste you r time and my time. I have to be honest with you. When i was with you i was trying to hide everything in my mind but it made me feel old and tired. I dont deserved anything that you did to me and you dont deserve that what we had in our relationship. Because after ı lost my trust ı was not the same person and I couldnt do it . You hurt me a lot of times . And i see my parents they never hurt each other . You talked with me like i am worthless .I am sorry i never had a relationship like that before i was trying to know you. Everything was stun for me . And i know you now. I was trying to be sure about my feelings. I told you a lot of times , i would not be able to think future with you. You know that we are not good each other . And the biggest problem ; You cheated on me begining of our relationship its not possible to forget this for me .You were looking my eyes and you were telling me " ı love you " but in the same time you were telling the same things an another person. I am not going to forget your sentences " i cant stop loving you, i regret about it , there is no fake ...." yes you deleted it but i can't delete from my mind . And there is a lot of questions are not clear in my mind . I really wanted to be with you at the begining i really wanted to share my life with you but in this 3 months i saw that its not possible for me . I dont want you to change because its you and i dont want to change because its me . I wanted to show my love to you but i couldnt do it because something gone from my heart . And i decided my love story is not going to start like that.
So we learned what happend if the relationship starts with the lies .
its not good and the questions never going to finish in my mind. I should have finished when i first wanted to look at your messages but i wanted to see if you change or not .and ı saw that, this is not a relationship that i wanted it. And then you started to squeeze and grab my arm . And the first time you said never going to do it again and after you did 2 more times. Its showed me that you could to do worst things on me . I saw that i am not the same person that when i see you in the first days getting excited and being so happy like i am in the sky..there is no excuse for lies in my life . And i realized that we started to attached each other but this is a problem for me because i know you are not good for me and i dont want to continue. I hope you will understand and respect what i think.
Thank you for everything . You showed me who you are . And you know me.
These are not a problem that we can solve it .
Its about the trust and personality .
I dont see anything to make this relationship good. I am sorry . These are my feelings ı can not hide from you.
I wanted you to think everything that i said to you.
I dont want to hurt no body but i see if we continue this relationship no one going to be happy.
I really want it to hear what do you think about my feelings . I know you tried your best for fix everything but trust is not fixable feeling for me .

I know its so long and he didnt deserve it but i sent it . Then i found this speech and I felt better . I understood that ı was not the only one .
Thank you :)

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