Waste of time (continued)

Submitted by syk (United Kingdom), Jul 9, 2013 at 11:26

I was angry, hurt and the stomach churning was cripping me, I couldn't leave it like that, not with the angry way it ended. After 2 days of no contact, I texted him. He came online and told me he would delete me from Facebook slowly, because no one around us would understand. I said I don't even understand it, after 4 years you decide this now?! He said it wasn't a problem before, but now it was. He told me he had spoken to a relative who lives in Germany and said the relationship was bad, because she was christian and he is Muslim. I tried all the "they aren't us" "I am not that woman your relative married" "We don't know what is going on in their relationship, only what you have been told" "We were good, we talked about this". (yes I do understand now how desperate that looks) We spoke for 5 hours. I told him the best I could do was research his religion and try to respect his beliefs. I think he took that as I would try to research the religion and convert. I told him I had never promised to be Muslim, that he had told me in the past never to research it, I would have to feel it in my heart. He said yes but don't use that as an excuse.

We talked again the next day (Sunday), the "baby, darling and honey's" came back in to the conversation but it was still lukewarm and after small talk, asked if I had been researching. I said no, I was busy. It didn't stop the conversation being about religion for the next couple of hours. I then tried to turn the conversation around, talk about normal things, like how was his day etc. I said you haven't told me much, he said can we talk about it later. I asked him if he was feeling cold towards me, he said he didn't know, but would tell me when we could go back to being the same as before. He said goodnight, sent a kiss, then left.

That is when it hit me. We were completely broken. The "relationship" would stay lukewarm, because he was not investing any emotions in to me until I agreed to be what he wanted me to be, staying detached enough so it would be easy to leave me (again). Compromising isn't an option, it really is all or nothing.

I don't know what I really expected, between my stomach churning and fuzzy head. I think I had some mad idea that if I could get him back "on track" I could start living my life again here with my new outlook, meet new people, even meet new men but still have the "comfort" of him there, so it would be easier to tell him where to shove his conditional love.

We last spoke 2 days ago (he did missed calls yesterday and this morning - that was the trick to say "hello") but I know the next time we actually talk online will have to be the last time, where I just say I can't do it anymore. I've already boxed up all the cards and presents and the ring, I'm about to put all the conversations and things from my computer on to a cd. I'm currently decorating my room. As my mum and dad put it so nicely "You're life would have been hell". I can't disagree with them. Yet I still miss the man (I thought) he was, still love the man I thought he was. It all hurts.

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