To JJ: On-line Love, Egypt, USA

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Apr 21, 2013 at 23:25

Hello JJ and Welcome

The biggest concern I have here is that you seem to want to be with this man in no small part because he "understands" your past.

If you feel you have to be with someone because of that or if you are too scared to let go of someone because of that, it's a really poor fundamental pillar for a relationship.

I can understand why that would be important, especially if your past was unusual, awkward or abusive in some way, but having an on-line, overseas relationship to dull the pain or clinging to someone you don't completely trust (if you did, you wouldn't be on here) with that as a listed reason is a big red flag to me.

If you are having issues from the past, it is advisable to see a component (someone who has an objective view and won't just shrug and tell you to run-off with an on-line partner) professional for help, because such events can have an impact on a relationship.

You say he understands this, but it's no coincidence that a lot of the stories on here involve women who are depressed, divorced, single with kids, or who are at a low, vulnerable point in your life.

The rest of the story is pretty standard. I'm sure he makes you feel great and probably has a good vocabulary of charming things to say....which also means he's confident, knows what he's doing and probably including how to exploit women. You've probably heard the phrase "mom told me to be aware of sweet talking guys" and that's exactly what it means!

The bottom line with on-line, international relationships is that they impose a big time, financial commitment.

This is a headache for both men and women and the scams, lies and deceit are limited to just Egypt. I've had some interesting encounters in my time with women from Latin America, Africa and Russia and the scams and lies have similar ingredients.

Scammers and liars are not always easy to pinpoint, because of the lack of communication. Their power over people on-line can be impressive and overwhelming. In fact, some of them will even threaten to leave you if they know you feel for them and they aren't getting what they want.

Interacting with family members or friends of your partner really doesn't do a whole lot to change the situation; if anything I think it just muddies the water and can even pressure you even more.

I really don't think you'll find any convincing relief there.

As you can observe with yourself, talking to people he knows hasn't silenced the doubt. And frankly, it shouldn't. Those people may talk to you, but the reality is you're not romantically involved in them, so they don't have a stake in the matter either way.

I can further understand why you are attracted to this man. Both of you seem to be educated, although people can lie well enough about their qualifications over a webcam almost easily on a resume, and there is the cultural interest.

It's important to realize that being interested in someone's culture or having a rug from their country is a lot different than being romantically involved with someone who lives there.

I don't think you're ever going to completely satisfy yourself that this man is really a true love you can trust, certainly not from on-line interactions. Even if you decide to marry him, I'm certain there will be doubt and you will be taking a big risk, and be forewarned: if you get involved in some kind of VISA/immigration scam, you could be financially liable for him.

It's extremely important that you understand American men and women are sought after around what is called the 2nd and 3rd World for passage into the US by marriage. Once that happens, you have a contract with the state.

Aside from all that, you have the usual pool of liars, scammers and cheaters.

So, I think you can see why international, on-line dating is problematic.

I really don't think what you have is true love; what you have is an infatuation with a man who at least says he understands you and comes from a culture you are professionally and academically interested in.

I do think your time would be better spent trying to find someone closer to home to date, but maybe even before pursing that, please look into getting help for these past issues if they are around. If you make yourself vulnerable, there are men out there (especially on-line) who will and know how to take advantage.

---

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".