Long Term Relationship with older Turkish man is a big mind game for this Anglo woman -Slow Torture facts

Submitted by marya (United States), Apr 1, 2013 at 23:20

Lilia what an experience you had. Mine was more conventional as he was and I are American citizens and I am an American woman, yet it is sheer torture because he seems nice then goes into this crazy misogynisitic torture rage every few months that puts you down as venomous if you disagree. no beatings just the silent treatment or a month or so... Actually he is smart and cowardly at the same time so manipulates things. Fearful and cowardly people do that they want you but are afraid of the power of women. Never had this type of experience and he caught me at a very vulnerable time after I lost my husband and was left with a son and daughter and no relatives due to a serious car accident. We were going to marry but he exploited my vulnerability and since he is cowardly there was no one to make him feel guilty except me, no males around to make him feel bad since he does respond to duty in some sick way.

The man you were with sounds like a real "player" This one is just a misogynist monogamous man with bad role models due to odd cultural standards that he reverts back to I guess due to his childhood mores and cannot tolerate any discussion or disputes. He hangs up and insults Unfortunately deep down women are the enemy in some ways and they cannot "win" It's really sick but it is more complex than that. He withholds compliments. His mind got more twisted after each row.. Never in front of the children who were older anyway, he was careful to act differently thankfully in front of them but they understood it was odd and didn't know why I tolerated it. It was just that I felt so traumatized by the deaths of so many and so sad all the time and scared. He didn't really care or understand anything that did not happen to him. Once something would happen to him or his family personally he would understand it. I think he had some deficits that way but was very successful and intelligent in others ways. Emotionally a bit odd he would try but he had difficulty with verbal communication that was not superficial. I guess we had deep feelings but and compatible in many ways except on the communication and emotional aspects. He was too controlling something I never liked yet too detached which is an odd combination. Anyone else find this to be true for an older gent?

After a long time I finally realize it is cowardliness, fearfullnes and conflict avoidance and the fact that he can't have any lively discussion where he is not the expert where one might disagree with any opinion of his as an intelligent woman.. In others words he can be such a jerk but only in private, in public he acts perfectly but privately he can be barely human material particularly if he decides to drink too much. . He was a terrible father because he was incapable of dealing with anything or listening to what was really going on and not a very good husband to his wife who left him and now i realize he has been in this for himself all along. After some years he just wants all for himself and his and if something were to happen to me, he would be concerned but doesn't like to deal with things. He claims we are one and that he only would marry once but I am in his will and my children are also and he would help us with anything but probably not true either. He is kind of not the altruist type and does not think oh she would like this...he is more for himself not a sharing type naturally at all, a re-gifter!

Since we are both older, almost seniors and he couldn't handle family, his own" blood family when he was younger, he wants everything even more so his own way.now since it is not tribal. I think American men and probably sorry to stereotype you guys but in general dating or being in a long term serious relationship with a middle eastern man including Turks in general unless they are the exception and I am sure there are many with fathers that totally respected their wives and spoiled them and treated them well and did not make them wait on them and put them first and foremost atfter the courtship period because this is the thing, the courtship period is fantastic! After that, they can be happy in public with you to put on a show but sometimes you get the feeling they feel contempt that you are not grateful for what you can't figure out! If this is not the case and you have a good one that doesn't drink too much then at least sometimes then maybe you have a chance.

Make sure you analyze and LOOK at how his father treats his mother and that will give you big clue. It doesn't matter how sophisticated, wealthy or educated they are, it all boils down to that.. If you never meet his parents then you are not in a serious relationship. Stay away because they will go to any lengths to trap you and once ensnared will play head games..

Lilia you are lucky you got out while you were still young! No sex is worth it anyway. You can have great sex with a Latin man and they are much nicer with a better sense of humor you can find many nice ones but you see many Turkish women married to American or British or German men but few Turkish men stay married to American women. Eventually the women can't take the abuse, not physical just the verbal insults about venom that you put in relationship just because you disagree and they never say they are sorry. They are perfect you see because they are men. Even that nice Turkish man you may know is like this in his house.. It is subtle and it takes awhile but it is intolerable and they blame you for everything and never apologize for anything since in their minds they are perfect and the relationship would be great if you did not poison it. These are there terms, like you are a serpent or something after a few years you may hear things like that in a man over 45 years of age. I can't speak for the younger ones. Hopefully not. They can be fun and funny but when they settle down they don't like to talk they can interrupt but can't be interrupt, they can be grouchy but you can't...or you are a btich..but obviously you are not or you would have not lasted this long.

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".