religion, male behaviour etc

Submitted by Lina (United Kingdom), Mar 30, 2013 at 08:36

Liliya,

Thanks for your story. Yes, you are lucky to have escaped from this kind of relationship. One thing I'd like to add, however, is that this kind of behaviour isn't limited to Muslim guys - it's any kind of guy that comes from a patriarchal society. I used to be like you and think that it's a Muslim thing, but then I got to know some Christians from Lebanon, Egypt, and they were almost the same: controlling, slightly sexist. Only difference was no hijab. And I've learnt that it's a combination of the way they're raised, and the nature of religion. From the day they're born they are taught that women are inferior. They learn this from their parents and from their places of worship.

I've also found Berber men to be even more possessive than Arabs, and I think it's down to a combination of insecurity and their strict honour codes. To Berber men their women are their possessions, and should she disobey or shame him it reflects badly on him and his masculinity. They are even less likely to marry out of their ethnicity, or even tribe, than Arabs (Kabyles are the most open-minded) UNLESS they have no respect for their culture.

With all that being said, these kinds of relationships are not for everyone. If you're looking for something out of Arabian Nights you're probably not going to find it. If you're looking for a modest, monogamous relationship with a good Muslim guy that doesn't pick and choose from his religion... then don't look on the Internet but rather find someone that's already lived in your country for a t least 5 years, or comes from an intellectual family. Look at the way the women in his family are treated, and look at the way he treats his mother. Don't sleep with him too early on (actually this applies for all guys) because he will no longer view you as wife material. It sucks but it's true. These kinds of guys have two women: women they date for fun (concubines) and potential wives/mothers to their kids. Which do you want to be? The choice is yours.

Most importantly, don't get too involved too soon. Keep your head and your heart separated. Fall for actions, not words. It's so easy for a guy to say sweet little nothings, but they are just words, they're a lazy man's favourite tool. Girls like sweet words, women like action. Men that come on too strong, too strong, are almost always up to no good. Either they're emotionally immature or they want something unpleasant. Men usually suck at showing their feelings and prefer not to.

Never accept a guy blowing hot and cold on you. Show him you mean business so that he knows what to expect from a relationship with you. If he leaves, then you've got your answer. Please note that most guys period are like this, it's NOT a Muslim thing... the only difference is that the guys on this board come from a society that allows them to get away with it.

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