to Irene with great thanks

Submitted by Anna (United States), Apr 9, 2012 at 21:09

Dear Irene,

What a wise and insightful person you are ! What great comfort I took in your words of encouragement. I wish you and I could meet, but Florida is certainly a long way from Denmark, isn't it? You are so right in everything you said...it really hit the nail on the head. I wish I could be stronger because right now, today, I feel helpless and weak and heartbroken. I was driving today and it honestly felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest because I was remembering how we met, how much in love we were and couldn't wait to be together, our beautiful wedding, our trip to Morocco when I was pregnant, when our baby was born, etc. etc. I break down at the worst times, like when I went to the dentist for a cleaning last week and I could not stop the tears. They must have thought I was crazy! We are still living together because I sold my home the first week of January and as we were planning on moving to Morocco (so glad I didn't do THAT!) and I didn't look for another home. He has not found a place to rent and waffles between wanting to stay with me and wanting out of the marriage. However, I think he mentally checked out of the marriage at least two months ago. Or longer. Yes, I am in love with him.

I just keep telling myself how he hurt me and the hotels he spent the night in with the girl he met and how he deceived me and how he had no regard for my feelings. He told me that he wants to work and save money and move on and help me whenever I need him. He said we just cannot live together. He told me that he has been in the US for five years and accomplished nothing. He seems to think that going out with his friends to the nightclub is what he needs to do, so I am not going to stand in his way. Have you ever heard the saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, fine. If not, it wasn't meant to be." Something like that. :)

Anyway, I have read your post several times for comfort and reading it really helps me. I am still grieving and yet, I have to put a smile on my face for our daughter because she certainly doesn't need a crying mommy! Two nights ago, he came home at 4:45 AM! Who does that? While it is true that the hookah cafe he goes to here in Orlando doesn't close until 4 AM, who knows if he was really there? I don't really believe too much of what he says. I know if I try to get him to stay, he might stay for our daughter's sake, but he doesn't want to be with me and I don't need that. Do you know it is therapy just writing this? I believe in my heart 100% that he loved me when we met and I think he couldn't resist the attention of girls and how he felt like he was missing out if he didn't join them. Of course, flirting and getting female attention and the need for someone younger or prettier had something to do with it. I am sorry that you had to go through something similar to me. I am very glad that I have family close to me and while they didn't agree with our marriage to begin with, they are patient and loving and really hurt for me. I just try to get through one hour at a time. I exercise, clean, play with our daughter, anything to get my mind off of it. But you were so right when you said that it is always in the back of your mind from the time you wake up until you go to bed.

You know EXACTLY what I am going through. I seriously doubt if I would EVER trust another man again. Maybe I was destined to be alone. Who knows? Anyway, writing this was a little bit of therapy for me, Irene. I tell myself that I should not want him if he doesn't want me. That he is not worth my tears and I can tell you that when he sees my tears, he just gets exasperated and tells me I am making him feel guilty. I could go on and on, but I try my best now to cry in front of him. I bought a house last week and I think when I move in and organize my things, I will feel better.

Bye for now, Irene. I wish you all the best.

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