To Robin: Why divorced women are not accepted

Submitted by Keira (Australia), Sep 3, 2019 at 19:04

Dear Robin,

I do understand your frustration about why so much problem with being a divorced woman. Let me explain a few things about this because for me it is equally annoying.

I know that the first thing all of these men will have told you at the beginning of the relationship is that age is just a number and that their beloved Muhammad married Khadijah, who was much older than him and also was bringing her previous children to her new marriage. So, as they have to follow his noble example, it is more than feasible that they marry us. Well, this is why they twist things in their favour, and of course, we buy this lie. Let me show you why.

First of all, we divorced women are considered damage good, not capable to make a marriage last. Being divorced often entails leading the family to dishonour, to say the least. For the same reason, they will not allow their sons and daughters to get divorced. No divorced woman must think that she would be accepted by his family, regardless of how well he is selling the deal, unless all the family is on the scam and then, they will pretend they really like you.

In addition to this, chances are that divorced women have children, and his family will not accept this as it is shameful. Kids from a previous marriage are not allowed to be brought by females to the new family because, in ISLAM, the father keeps the children when women remarry. Mums are forced to forsake their children if they want to marry again. So, it doesn't matter how much he says he loves your kids. They cannot love them. Never. They are terribly jealous. And actually, the fact that women have to renounce their kids for the sake of the new marriage is because women have to cut all contact and bonds with the ex-husband too. They will never be welcomed, least loved. If you are "lucky", your rat will be sincere and tell you openly what you have to do to marry him. Of course, he will do it when you are already committed to the relationship. Then, it is time for you to bleed.

Although the Qu'ran permits the divorce, it is not recommendable. It is the last mean when everything fails between the couple. Imagine that beating the wife before getting divorced is allowed as "it could save the marriage" by teaching the woman how to behave and of course, getting her repentance.(Qu'ran, Surah An-Nisa, 4:34). Needless to say that I shook when I was told this.

To clarify this even more, in the Qu'ran it is very well explained that every man deserves a virgin and never less. A "used" woman is embarrassing. Why should they accept a non-virgin woman when they are supposed to have heaps of them in their countries? Have a look a this:

"Women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity."(Quran 24:26)

Muhammad recommended Muslims to select those partners who are best in religion (Deen) and character.

"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character), so marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper."

And there you have more hadiths about this:

Nabi said, 'Marry virgin women because they have sweeter mouths and more splitting wombs and
are more pleased with little.' (Mishkaat pg.268)

"It is Sunnah for the one who wants to get married to marry a virgin, because the Prophet said to Jaabir, 'Why not a virgin whom you could play with and she could play with you?' (agreed upon) – unless there is a reason for which marrying a previously-married woman is better, in which case he should choose such a woman over a virgin, in order to serve that interest."(Mataalib Uli al-Nuha, 5/9, 10)

Having said this, if they are going to obtain something from the marriage, such as wealth, property, business, and the like, then, they can marry a non-virgin woman. They can justify every behaviour thanks to their holy books! Isn't it amazing? I guess that so many years invested in their religious education brings their fruits. And this is why Muhammad married his first wife because she was a businesswoman who was bringing more than a bunch of kids. He gained a lot with this marriage. But of course, they will tell you that it was a love marriage and that he was very depressed until he married little Aisha. I will not discuss that marriage now :(

All in all, their communities still don't understand divorce as we understand it in the West. If men are not happy in their marriages, they find solace and pleasure in other women, as they have all the rights to do it. And no first wife can deny this right to her husband. They cry in silence and pray "May Allah give me the strength to cope with it and the ability to even love the new wife". Because in the end, if this is His plan, who are they to try to avoid it? With this mentality, ladies, their society cannot improve and move forward.

Do not get frustrated with this, Robin. I was as well for a very long time, but only you know your reasons why your marriage failed and why you deserved a better life and that is why you left that marriage. If someone is guilty in here is him, because if they cannot marry divorced women, what the heck are they doing playing dating with us?

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