My story!!

Submitted by Jess (United States), Jan 31, 2018 at 00:57

I wrote on here many times and boy is this going to be hard. I never thought that I would be the victim of emotional abuse while in a relationship but im here to tell my story. Im guilty of walking into my relationships with these cinderella stories playing out in my mind. I guess im like that because growing up I had to see the good in things that I was afraid to accept. How my father was an alcaholic who abandoned us emotionally and how I would see verbal, mental and physical abuse so much, I turned a bats eye and only focused on the positive side of things. I was programmed that way. I didn't think I was being emotionally abused until the same person who was telling me they loved me as they looked into my eyes with sparkles and showed me the love that every girl dreams of: the recognition, the compliments, the time, the attention, and even the loyalty that made me feel special was the same person who would tell me really horrible things that would destroy my self asteem. I found myself in a battle of weather i was really loved or not. He would say things like, "I will never be you Romeo, so get that out of your head." or "Im only here because I feel so sorry for you." or "I have cancer, im dying" or "Youre so skinny you NEED TO EAT" But the emotional abuse was happening. It only got worse with time. One day when I finally had the strength to be strong, he would come back and sweet talk me with his words. "But I love you" and "I cant do this without you " I would get sucked right back in. He used real emotion and manipulation because he wanted to break me. He wanted to ruin me. That was his goal. His goal was never true love, but control. He wanted to control me emotionally and mentally until I was at his doorstep begging for him to love me, he wanted to see me broken so it could feed his ego. He wanted to fuel his narcassistic self and when he had enough of it, he'd break out into one of his many episodes. Closing the door right in my face. But I knew I was better than this. I knew that this wasn't love. I knew this wasn't what I wanted. I stuck around because I didn't see the abuse for a long time. But I knew it was abuse when one day we were being intimate(Me thinking it was true love) and then he changed his attitude and told me in a serious voice "I will never be your Romeo, so get that out of your head" and as I cried harder than I ever did he said "the door is right there" but when i stayed he hugged me and told me he loved me. But why did he want to hurt me so bad? The night before he asked me to show my face on video chat and then he called me nasty because I wasn't ready and he then changed his personality and started treating me badly. How he would always say "You need to look like this all the time when your'e with me" when I would do my hair and makeup nicely. I stayed because when we were good, we were really good. He was loyal. He was kind. He was generous. He was sweet. He was caring. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world but not just by looking at me but the genuiness in his voice when he would say it. He wanted everyone to know I was his. He'd hold my hand in public and squeeze me tight when we'd walk past girls. He would let me see his phone. I was the only person on his phone with a contact picture and that was named baby. He would tell people on live that I was his girlfriend and show me off on snapchat and instagram. He would always take care of my needs and compromise things for me. But having the world came with its baggage and that was the abuse. I don't think that I was too sensitive. I think that he didn't understand that when someone falls in love with you, their hearts turn soft and they become sensitzed to you. Its called having "Feelings". He would always say that he was joking or that he was kidding but I knew that there was truth in every bad thing he said to me. I guess I didnt see the red flags. He would call girls "bit****" and he'd say "F*** them" about his parents. He would always talk disrespectfully about women like "Youre supposed to f*** her right in the p****" or "F*** that b****." One time he hired an old man to work with him at his job and as he spoke to me on the phone about how the guy was doing good and he explained cheerfully, a minute later he cussed and called the guy an idiot, repeatedly and started saying really mean things about him. I was in shock that he suddenly switched into a person, I didn't recognize. I was scared. I questioned if that was his true identity and I eventually found out that it was. I wish I could've been smarter sooner to save myself the heartache because eventually he told me he was only playing me and threw me away like i was trash. These men dont know what love is. They can sit there and give you the world but they're not guys that you should get involved with. They will ruin your self asteem and make you question your worth and to be quite honest its not worth your sanity. PLEASE just save yourself the heartache.

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