Take a deep breath

Submitted by Shömi (United States), Apr 4, 2017 at 22:30

Dear Sophie,

Well, I usually have a slightly different point of view than most of us here, so maybe it makes my comment worth your time.

First of all, I certainly agree with others that making a formal commitment so fast was likely not a good decision. But I also understand that our personalities come in different flavors, some of us are passionate, spontaneous, or otherwise conservative, etc. I like an element of uncertainty in my life and overall don't regret taking risks. To each its own.

I would not call you naive for assuming the feelings between you were mutual. I think it's quite natural for a confident woman to believe someone can be genuinely attracted to her. None of us would ever marry if we were to deny every affection coming our way.

I'm not here to promote MENA men as partners, but really, 9 years age difference only does not qualify your marriage as scam. I have come across many couples which are perfectly tuned in regardless of an age gap.

You did not provide much details, but if I were you, I would focus mainly on the reasons why are you kept a secret from his family. This sounds troubling to me. Is it your age, religious belief, skin color? Is he guilty of any prejudice himself or just protecting you from possible mistreatment by his family? Algeria is radicalizing lately. Some Algerians are looking to leave for that very reason, not just financial.

I don't know your situation nor culture enough to make any assumptions. But I know a little bit about North Africa. To me these people seem racist. They're racially segregated within their own nation. They talk about Asians like they were cartoon characters, but everyone below Marrakech is considered an animal. I apologize and I would never repeat this rubbish, unless I thought you should know. I heard such opinions first hand, over and over again. I've seen Senegalese men and women kicked in the streets of Morocco, simply for passing by.

Their sexual fantasies however follow a different lead. All categories, shapes, colors and nationalities of women appearing on porn sites are extremely appealing to them. I'm an Eastern European, unfortunately I'm a victim of our general reputation also.

Now, obviously, sexual attraction does not guarantee partnership. The majority of them are alpha males. They will not hang on the phone whispering complements to their wives and girlfriends, while friends or family are around. They will not openly admit a woman can be right or take her advice. On top of that, they operate on very different moral values. It's not a question of what feels right or wrong. It's what is seen as honorable or shameful. This is where the family/friends come to play, and I would advise you to make a careful observations on that level. I assume you are at the point of realizing how shifty his priorities are. It is not a good sign. But I know also that divorce is not an easy step. Try to figure out his true colors, find logical answers and act upon your own firm judgement. Users around the world usually avoid marrying women they feed of, unless the marriage itself comes with a certain benefit... Be honest with yourself, do the math and you will find his alternative motive, if any.

Don't ever forget to love yourself Sophie. Follow the path where you can grow and fulfill your dreams.

<3
Shömi

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