Listen to your Conscience

Submitted by Saeorse (Ireland), Feb 9, 2017 at 16:46

Hi Destiny,

I was reading your post and stories of other women's experiences also.. I also have alot of experience with relationships... Both good and bad. And from what you said in your post, I believe I can offer you experienced advice. In my experience, and from what I've seen from other women's posts on this site, is that you need to listen to your conscience, your gut feeling inside.. it sounds like you are feeling fear, anxiety and doubt to move forward with this man, and from my experience and that of others, this is usually your conscience sensing that you should be cautious and also a big red flag not to move forward with this person.. Usually our instincts are correct! From what you are saying, you've only been speaking for one month online and have never met, yet he is already saying he loves you and wants to marry you. I don't believe this is truly genuine.. when you are in the beginning of a relationship, it's easy to get caught up in happy feelings, and want to think the best of the other person. But being a husband and a father to your children (children that are not even his own) is a huge and lifelong commitment and involves sharing a home and family and culture and values together to make it truly work.. but in only a month, he's saying he wants to marry you, and loves you -someone you've never met or even spent time with. A true relationship takes time to build. And testing out whether someone would make a good husband and father to your children takes being in the same place, seeing how he interacts with them (over time in daily life situations, not just a couple of times on dates).. but beware, a man who has ulterior motives will always act sweet, kind and generous in the beginning to reel you and your family in.. Then, once women get married to men with these ulterior motives, that mask comes off very quickly and their true nature is revealed. It's much more difficult to undo a bad marriage than it is to prevent getting into one.

From what you've told us, in the very short time you've communicated with eachother, he has already been verbally abusive towards you. And explicitly told you that because you are "his woman", he can speak to you however he wants to! This is a HUGE red flag that this person has a controlling nature and is verbally abusive.. An abusive man will always make excuses for why he acted badly, making it seem like it was outside his control or for some reason, your fault.. He will manipulate you into putting up with it.. He will often make elaborate apologies and give gifts or flowers to show he feels bad and ask you to forgive him and says that he'll "change".. This is not true and part of the manipulation to keep you, not out of true love but rather manipulation and control. Please don't believe this is someone who will change because men like this don't change unless they truly decide to go through serious counseling which can take months or even years to be effective.. And usually they don't want to go through counseling because they are in denial that they have an abusive nature and believe that others are the problem..

Please don't make the mistake of submitting yourself or your children to this type of person and their bad and manipulative behaviour.. In the beginning, when things should be happy and perfect in a new relationship, he has already let out his true colors.. The verbal abuse and made up excuses. If you get married, I'm telling you from experience that the verbal abuse / outbursts that may only be a couple of times now, will only increase in frequency and intensity.. Furthermore, he will likely become even worse in his behavior and more manipulative towards you and your children also, possibly even become physically abusive because of this angry nature. Please don't be fooled by feeling like he loves you when you haven't even met and yet he's already treated you badly and claimed ownership over you! I believe from my bad similar experiences and the experience of many other stories of women on here who started out similar stories like yours where the man claimed to be in love and wanted to marry them very quickly from first meeting them and had already displayed signs of verbal abuse, it only got WAY worse after commitment and marriage! Please listen to me, men like this don't just change for the better suddenly or ever.. Their true (and negative) nature only grows worse as they gain your trust and commitment. I have experience with men with controlling natures and verbal abuse, which only grew alot worse and more frequent after committing to them and trusting them, I always thought they'd change because they say they love me and would always apologize and said they wanted to change..

But even after waiting years, they only treated me even worse and after a while even stopped apogologizing for their bad behaviour towards me.. instead they start to blame it on me and would make excuses! That is manipulation and abuse! Please don't subject yourself or your children to someone like this.. when I had a feeling in the beginning of these bad relationships of fear and anxiety to move forward with them, and experienced even just once or twice their bad behaviour, I always ignored my conscience and gut feelings and would forgive them and keep moving forward thinking they'd change or just that it wouldn't happen again.. but as I said above, ohhh I was sooo wrong!!

I am glad that I am out of those relationships now, but it took alot of mistakes and time before I became brave enough to let go.. and it took alot of emotional healing of that hurt to trust men again after those bad experiences.. it's better if you can learn from others and prevent these mistakes rather than go through this yourself which will only steal your confidence, your strength and your time and energy, potrntially for years and be damaging to your mind, heart and soul.. And they will eventually try to make divisions between you and the people in your life who truly care about you and want to support and protect you by manipulating you and them.. You start to eventually seperate and isolate yourself from those who care about you and that is a big red flag in itself..

I hope you will take my message to heart and truly listen to your conscience and the stories of other women on this website who met other North African men and had a similar story to yours with a bad ending.. and stop communicating with this man, no matter what he says to try to convince you / manipulate you that he loves you, wants to marry you, will be a great father because he really wants to, etc.. This is just manipulation to reel you in quickly while they mask their true nature and intentions! They will lie and say anything they believe you want to hear to try to convince you otherwise.. But real love takes time to build and I believe as a mother, you especially need to listen to your conscience, to protect your children anf yourself from potential harm and a big mistake... I know it's bold to say, but I believe that many North African men have this bad and manipulative nature.. I've heard and read many bad stories that start just like yours..

From what you've told us about his verbal behaviour already so early in the relationship and making excuses for it, and wanting to make such a quick rushed commitment to you without even having spent time together, also from my bad experiences and that of many other women like yourself on this website, My advice to you is to LISTEN to your gut feelings and to not continue with this man.. In my opinion, you should just cut him off quickly because it will make it easier for you, dont go further and draw it out and wait because your scared of losing an opportunity for love, just because he (says) he loves you already so quickly.. it is easy online or in the beginning of a relationship to fall quickly because you desire love and therefore miss all the red flags that are right in front of your face.. It is easy in the beginning of a relationship to say alot of nice words and to make alot of great promises.. I know because I've been on the receiving end of this and made big mistakes because of my naive blind trust and ignored the red flags and rushed in quickly to commit and regretted it later.. It happens especially when you're desperate for love, and I can understand how hard it must be to find a good and lasting partner as a single mother, but what counts in being a good partner is a person's actions, not just their words. Look at the fruit of what his character is revealing.. Look at what is leaking out from behind that "loving" mask already.. Your gut is already telling you this information..

But it's easy to blinded because you're worried about missing an opportunity for love and a partner in life.. Because youre a mother especially, I think it's important to date someone who is in your surroundings and don't rush the relationship, let it build slowly over months, and pay close attention to how they treat you and your children, family and friends in regular daily life situations and circumstances before you commit to marriage.. And seek people you care about who've been introduced to him a number of times for advice and ask them about what they think of his character.. watch and listen to how he treats others and don't take others advice who care about you and your children for granted.

Don't trust blindly because a man tells you you should. Take your time in building a lasting relationship, be watchful of his character and behaviour and listen to the opinion of others in your life.. don't take the opinions of people who care about you for granted! Listen to them.. It's important to have an objective voice about your relationship issues so your not blinded by love.. I wish I had done these things I'm suggesting in the past but instead can at least hopefully teach others from my mistakes! I believe you should tell this man in your life that you've changed your mind about having a relationship with him and that you don't love him or want to marry him and then cut all contact with him. You don't need or owe him an explanation about why or else he'll just try to manipulate you into changing your mind by talking about his love and how you should trust him, etc. He'll just try to draw you in even more.. But it's not genuine, it's just sweet talk and manipulation to reel you in quickly because he's not being his true self and that takes alot of effort and lying and energy, but once you commit, he has you, and then the mask will come off quickly, I KNOW..

I would say even close your account if you have to in order to stop communication and protect yourself from the verbal attack or persuasion which will surely come when you do this.. But BE STRONG! And don't be scared of losing an opportunity for love, it's worth waiting for genuine love and if you are patient and take your time in a relationship and watch a man's character and actions and how he treats you and others over the course of time, and listen to those who truly care about you, you will surely make a wise decision in love for you and your children.. :) Don't do something you'll regret later out of fear of losing out.. be strong!

I wish you all the best and truly hope you will take this message to heart..

From,

A concerned and experienced woman

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