confession

Submitted by panda (United Kingdom), Jun 10, 2016 at 08:51

Reading all your articles, it took me to a turn point in my own life, relationship wise and the place where I found myself again...
As humans, especially, us girls, women , we are all hungry of real love, passion, family, romance , we all blindly believe that life is the fairy-tail that we seen in films, read about in books.... ladies we know that in real life, its the situations and circumstances which life put us thru, to test of our strength, our love for one another.

Every nation is different , if we going to go for a person who is not from our own culture,we are agreeing to all what comes with that person,all disagreements , different opinions and views on life,habits,traditions. Maybe before we make any decision it would be wise to know more about the chosen person, their country,make friends that would share a similar socio-economical background and have at leat some intellectual knowledge in common ? The subject has been around moroccan/Algerian man. I am afraid but its sad if you foreign ladies cannot tell who is decent moroccan guy and who isn't ? In morocco as everywhere else there is plenty of guys that are engineers, doctor, lawyers, officers, etc...PhD's right and left. Seriously,college is free. But again normal guys are so busy working and having a life that they don't hang out in chatrooms seeking desperate foreign ladies hoping to land an instagroom.

What is love ? Is love the conversations via the internet , messages, phone calls?is that how you locate your feelings? this is it? what about facing life difficulties together? making successful decisions and growing beauty of the family?what about growing towards love with the time? why people value life with money? why people complain he wanted money? he asked for money?why did you go to poor country , showing off the materialistic side of yourself , trying to impress people with something what has no value?is that real you? being nice to others with spending money to impress someone?what about your kindness and inside beauty?what about your picture as a human?what about your skills in everyday life?one thing I have observed on my numerous trips to casablanca,is that people , whatever material status they are at, they remind happy, kind, generous only for one reason,they worship God ,they scared to harm another human, money is in-relevant when it comes to the family their happiness and inner peace.

My story,my seems,to some crazy to some beautiful, but to me, I only realised , how blessed I was to met M , few days ago, when I met the person, who brought to my attention this website.

I met Mr M first time 8 years ago. I wish then I was aware of his beauty. His heart. But then we both have had different life styles, different perspectives. He was a student, I was a scared kicked already by life girl.Then we couldn't connect. We both couldn't think of being together. He moroccan, good muslim, well mannered( not always :P) , kind and handsome. The handsome came the last, cos as a girl whom was brought up in good christian house, surrounded with love and care the look of a man is last what I would considerate as a women to pick a husband.
Me christian girl, from very conservative family, trying to prove to everyone and myself how independent and strong I can be.
We met again and connected when I was at my lowest(emotionally), when my life I believed then was over.I had no one , I was lonely. It has happened that the older lady he was staying with (renting accommodation) was my Scottish Nanny. I needed a place to stay , where I can be safe and left to myself. I moved in. It was so uncomfortable for me to be in the same house with a strange man ( he was stranger then). But him, he made sure he was not in my way, he made sure he was letting me to breath and use my space, he respected my way of living and it took months before we sat for the first time and talked. Before we use to avoid each other, we made sure we have comfort zone. The first talk took us to another level , we both knew deep down that we are attracted intellectually to each other but we both very extremely shy. we spend more and more time, talking in a company of Nanny, we laughed together, we criticised together, we exchanged each other views of life and knowledge. Before we released we enjoyed each other company so much that in the evenings we both waited for our regular talks. Then we have decided to take it higher, it was our bad doing, but we both said yes. If i have to say it loud , to make love with him was like a gift, I was addicted to his smell, to his smile, to his voice, I loved being touched by him, I loved looking at him, he was mine, he was new me!!! he took care of me, he would advise me, show me the right ways, explain small things I never knew. Every evening he was coming back home and I would wait with his dinner, excited like a young teenage girl, I was making sure his clothes are clean ,his room cleaned , his food warm. He was the reason I wanted to be better, the reason I wanted to be a women of a man , not the independent girl, working hard making money, I wanted to be his , in any shape. I wanted him to wake u every morning and love me more.

He would have his controlling moments, of many questions where I am , who with , what time I got there, how long I stayed , which for me was another prove that he loves and cares. We both knew he will have to go back to morocco soon, as his student visa is finishing. And then one of this days I have ruined everything beautiful what we were about. I lied to him. I lied and lost him. Not forever, lost his trust. It was the most painful mistake I have done. This has changed him and whole picture of us in general. This woke up the bad side of him, and not that he was bad, but any man will change and suit himself to the circumstances he in finding himself in. He never been aggressive towards me, he never has raised his hand at me, he showed me his anger once, the evening I lied.

I saw thru his eyes how much I hurt him. From then onwards, our life had to change. M had to go back to casablanca. I stayed behind in London. We talked a lot, messages non stop, phone calls, constantly him checking where I am who with , asking for pictures, checking at night if Im home in bed. My days, I couldn't understand why. I was scared to go out and have my phone on low charge cos I knew the moment my phone will die I will be accused of cheating or lying. My past have had a lot to do with this as well, M hated my previous work place, previous people I was friends with or I worked for. He was obsessed. I felt this way. I was thinking days and nights what has changed this man so much? After two weeks of his absence I went to visit him, without asking him if thats okay. He is from very good family, his family runs few businesses, they all well mannered and respected people. I wanted to be next to him at last for one day , I wanted to see him, I wanted to show him how much he mans to me ? wasn't that stupid ? but how could I knew? how could I knew that for him it may means nothing, that I may caused him problems, what he was suppose to say to his family ? despite my arrogance of inviting myself, he took me to met him mum, his brothers, he took me for a walk, he made sure I felty happy. It was the most beautiful two days. For the first time,we have made crazy things, and he showed me finally that he can be the silly boy time to time as well. The moment I was going back London, I knew he is the father of my children, this is who I wanted.

Days were passing, we were separated and it become more and more difficult to communicate. He was showing less interest. An ladies never and never I would hear from him that he needs my money, my anything, we mention few times marriage, but we wanted to hide that from families. And then he was very honest with me and admitted , hey girl I don't think i can marry you, until you are not muslim. I felt so bloody cheated. Then he has put facts in front of me. And one the most important one , how do you see our kids? who will they follow?I never wanted to know if I have to or not. I went to stay with my mother over the summer, to our beautiful home town, first day I talked to my mum, I said how much I want him and I want his kids, her answer to all that was straight and as u expecting from intelligent and educated women : you can't be one if u both don't follow the same path. Next day I knew my mum was buying my first electronic version of Quran. Many may think what a crazy mother, desperate to give her daughter away, probably poor thinking Arab boy with money perfect match for my daughter. Well no, my mum is a doctor, we have had beautiful life, may father provided us with things others could dream about , she didn't need a rich man for me , she didn't had to give me away, she knows my worth.

Fo her , she saw for the first time in 8 years , my eyes shining, my face smiling, my soul making others happy , she knew this man has brought the best out of me! my second visit was even better, only three days but full of joy,laugh and my days hours spend on the beech. I put make a note, M has made sure I was very respectful around his people, not like I would never, but we would together decide if I am dress well enough so I would not drag other man attention. Now for me, everything was making sense. I liked the fact that M is so protective. He would take me everywhere proudly. I never seen him being embarrassed by my behaviour or the way I looked. Yes ,I never stayed in his family house but its not that it was strange for me, the respect I had for his parents I wouldn't even think of spending the night there. He showed me house, we stayed watching tv and talking, his mum was around, his brothers, but even that made me feel I shouldn't, as my mum wouldn't approve it herself. There was many moment for me girl, from Europe, which was absolutely new and not as then normal. I think I felt in love with people and country,before completely loving M . When on few occasions I went jogging in the morning I would just stop, sat on bench and watch people walking, smiling,living their life ,no one looked at me as stranger, I felt welcome. M has few bad sides, yes his temper is short, he has strong attitude , he can become angry and when he does he goes, he doesn't talk to me for few hours or few days just so he is calm enough not to insult me ,make me upset.

I was going crazy with the way he was behaving, but that is the lessons life is putting you thru, the test we are facing . People are meeting for a reason, not on internet chat, not outside the club,but in life in real situations. We are then finding out more about another person. I hated him so many times, I have told him go to hell, but now who am I to do so?Why am I getting angry with a man whom I managed to brake his rules, and allowed him to my life, in my bed? who am I to judge his behaviour ? when I pushed him to the limits, just cos I was emotional and angry?I have made him to be in haram relationship because I was selfish and in love? Yes he loved as well, he was experiencing new feelings and situations in his life and I didn't knew much about islam but why wasn't I more understanding and tolerant ? I chose him as my best friend and companion , I made sure he is looked after while in London, I showed him my best sides but I didn't concentrate on his own traditions and personality to understand later , why he behaves in such a different way for me. This is the culture clash, this is women being naive, thinking every man is the same,this is the point where our different up bringing is showing,we must compromise and learn from each other. I have felt in love with a person whom I want my kids to follow, all beautiful\ moments will still come, cos people need years to get to know each other enough to make it work.

M had moments where he would make me feel so lost and ugly. and me rather then give him time and space , I have pushed and pushed, called and called , it was making him mad even more. Why didn't I let him have his own space to understand him ? he needed time just like I did, he needed to analyse my strong personality, my behaviour. He needed months to learn about me. I knew he loved me even more after every time we had arguments.
We took trip to Marrakech together. 5 days with him , after not seeing each other for nearly 3 months. We have had so many difficulties finding place to stay, we were not married, no hotel could offer us a room, we rented apartment, he did it. He has been stressing , running around making sure I will have place to sleep. When i saw the apartment my days I thought is he okay , how can I sleep here take shower? how ignorant was I? Why did i expected anything more? We were in Morocco , country ruled by islam. Why didn't I appreciated the fact that he did his best?

To all the women out there, to understand the culture is to understand the person, to see thru him means to appreciate the effort, to learn about him and his background.

I could write and write, I could tell him how much I hate when he says to me I am bad person, I gave him the right, I lied, I hidden things not to make him angry, well he loves the truth, so I have learned from him, that no matter how much would it hurt I must always tell the truth. Yes I have moments when I say : my days I can't be what he wants, but he wants nothing different then anyone else. He wants a wife for his kids to be well looked after, well brought up, he knows that once life is created then "love" goes even deeper. He knows my beauty will fade away, but he also knows my heart won't ever change. This is Moroccan man, he want you for his life, for his kids, for his home, to be able to come back to warmth and happiness after hard day of work, he doesn't want to come back to a model whom she was out shopping all day, buying clothes and drinking coffee with friends. He has values , he has believes , he has his fears . He wants me and he wants something from me, and same as me , I want a provider , husband and father. Rest will come with the time.

Few days ago I met this lady, Algerian, she spoke to me in a way that my brain doubted, she took control over my thoughts, she told me , he will use me, make my life hell, bring me to my lowest, she told me he lied to me so many times and I was fooled by his game and charm, she said they sneaky moroccan boys . I believed the women, I believed cos she likes M mum was from the same country. And M mum , walking angel, a women you want to become yourself,good mother, quiet and with her own opinion , having a life every women deserves. But who was she to know he lies, he cheats,he fooled me?

The Algerian women brought the end to my relationship, which was on the rocks for many reasons. She made me to accuse him of everything what he never was or wanted. I said the cruelest things and she brought me to the point I finally understood why am I in the position I am with him. Why he doesn't trust me, why he thinks I lie, why he always was checking on me , why he thought of me as his wife, but couldn't bring it to the real life.
We were two different people , from different continents , welling to be together but only he was matured from the beginning and learn about me being Polish girl. I never took an effort to understand. I wish to tell him how much he changed me and my life, how much better he made me , how much he opened my eyes, I wish to start from the beginning, to make sure I know how to handle such a man with such a rich personality. But is too late, he understood and I that we are not meant for each other, we have had beautiful moments and they hurt to let go, but this is life, people come and go and we learn from that.

Today I'm proud muslim, still learning, like a child first steps. I am more peaceful person, I am calm, I read , Im searching for constant knowledge, I was always kind to people, but now kid has a new meaning, I am very carful and finally I am not that girl any more who was always reaching for independence and money , today I want to be happy, poor happy rich happy but happy, healthy and in peace with myself. I am being watched by Allah, and I know he sees my heart. People will say she's crazy she did it for him. Not at all. We talk but we speak loud that we can't be together. We talk but nothing is being promised. Life has a new meaning.

I feel sorry for every one of you who goes out there and try to impress these poor boys with something what they know will not take them to paradise. The naked nature of european women has been and will be criticised as they allowed it. girls with no personality ready to sell themselves . We in order to be happy, we need to educate ourselves. We need to understand other people opinions and views. we then can have a dialect about life,and express our love not only for another person but for ourselves.
Did he lied all that time when he was away, did he cheated ? well I am not the one who can answer that , I wish I could say no, Im sure he was all mine. But there was a moments, when I doubt his performance , his way of being around, everything.I can openly say he has changed a lot. He is a different person to the one whom I felt in love with. He become that cold european man,not interested what his wife do where she is and with who. That I never wanted from my man/husband.

M had something special about himself, the power of talk of his intelligence. and making sure you are scared of him,he knew how to manipulate me and how to control my emotions . He knew how to make something out of nothing. He was a person which certainly had to come to my life to learn me a lesson....the lesson which has had the bitter taste in my life. Its like being a child and learning life from beginning.
He has proved over the time that their manners for women are non existing. They have no respect to what is their wish neither dream. Their can become very cold and mean wishing few hours.....

I wish him happy and healthy life.Can I be part of it? My heart screams , my brain laughs cos part of me would do anything to have him back, but then other part, the one who search constantly of peace and calm in my life,says it loud this man is not any good for you or your life. we stay friends , from respect to each other.
I want to say I lived each day until I die , and know that I meant something in somebody's life. The heart I touched will be the proof that i leave.

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