You are not alone x

Submitted by Zoe (United Kingdom), May 22, 2016 at 21:29

Hey!I just came across your message by accident but felt that I had to reach out to you.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through and totally understand that you may feel hurt, confused, upset, lonely, angry, sad (and probably a whole host of other emotions) right now. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you've recently experienced a tragic event when your mum passed away so try to remember that you're still going to be grieving, let alone facing any other challenges that come your way. It sounds as though you are almost grieving again, by the sudden change in your partner, which has left you feeling even more confused! I'm from the UK and have been in a relationship for over a year with a genuinely lovely Moroccan man, but I am well aware of what many people may say to me about this based strictly on 'stereotypical' views. Yes, I'm well aware that there are some men and women that look for a partner from another country to try to get a VISA or to try to obtain a better standard of living and I truly feel sorry for the people that have been affected by this, it's not fair and is heart breaking, but this is life and things like this happen all over the world, there are good and bad people everywhere (saying that, good people sometimes do bad things out of desperation, this doesn't make it right, definitely not, but not everyone should be tarred with the same brush...).

You should not be judged for how you feel and the things you do. This is purely my opinion but some guys (and particularly guys from certain backgrounds and religions) are extremely proud and when you tried to tell him that you wanted to know a little more about him, his pride may have taken over and this could be one of the reasons that you saw such a dramatic change in him? Especially because you stated the following words that he said to you 'dignity, insulted, disrespected'...

Firstly, you have EVERY right to tell someone how you feel and to ask something you want to ask so please don't think that you have done anything wrong. I can fully appreciate how upset you are by his change in character and as you said 'he was like a monster'! This must have been horrifying for you and you are entitled to feel the way you do. It's unacceptable that he reacted this way towards you and you have now essentially been left in the dark and you can't even contact him to talk about what happened, ask him why he reacted the way he did or to even get closure, it's not fair on you. What I can share with you from my past experience is that I have gone through something similar, not the same, but then again, no two situations are the same.

My guy is incredibly sweet, caring, kind hearted, affectionate, loving, sensitive and extremely emotional for a man, which I find incredibly endearing. We hardly EVER argue or fight but like every couple, we have had our moments and the first argument we had was over something I had learned from his past and I asked him about it and when I did, it was as though he was a different person! I truly believe that 'attack is the first form of defence' and in my case, because I had found out something about his past that he would rather me not have known (it was that he had dated someone from Poland just before we had got together, nothing major but I thought that he had been single a little longer than he had been when we first met, but it turns out that he wasn't, so I was a little upset and wanted to ask him about this). He first tried to deny it (but he is not a very good liar at all!), he then tried to minimise it, he then tried to turn the tables on me to make out I was snooping (but in fact, the woman had contacted me to try to cause trouble, which it did and to be honest, this woman still contacts me to this day to try to cause trouble! He has had to change his number 8 times in the past year and when I was in Morocco about 3 weeks ago, she turned up too! I KNOW there is nothing between them and I definitely KNOW that she is obsessed and crazy! But this was how this started...).

He was so angry and I was shocked and stunned because he is such a softie normally? I was incredibly confused and upset and I didn't understand what I had done to make him turn this way? He ended up putting the phone down on me, blocking me on Viber and Whatsapp, blocking my number from his phone etc. and I was going out of my mind! So although it's not the same, I did experience a massive change in the man I had always known as sweet and polite. It was awful and even more so because I really did have feelings for him by the time this happened and I couldn't understand what was happening. Prior to that and to this day, he wakes me with a text to say good morning every day, we then Skype so we see each other and speak, we text and Skype through the day and then we always Skype to say goodnight. I have been to see him 6 times since we met and I've met and stayed with his family and he has asked me to marry him. In my case, I had the telephone number for his parents restaurant, where he tends to visit every evening after work and I managed to contact him either the following day or two after this horrible fight.

By the time I'd spoken to him, he was in tears, he couldn't have been more sorry and he was back to the man I know and have grown to love. He explained that he was extremely embarrassed that I had been contacted by this crazy woman, which made him angry, which just seemed to snowball out of control but at the end of the day, he should have just told me the truth in the first place and there would not have been an issue! Yes, I'm sure I wouldn't have been happy when the crazy woman contacted me but I would have known why and I could have spoken to him about it... I must say that he never called me names or said anything rude or hurtful to me, in fact,

I don't believe I've ever heard him swear? But he changed into a different person, which stunned me and when I couldn't contact him, I'm sure I was feeling somewhat similar to how you are feeling now. As I said before, you have every right to ask him what you want and it could have been his 'pride' that was bruised and that may have been the reason that he changed so quickly, but it's only a guess. Nobody has the right to call you names and that is unacceptable of him to treat you this way and I don't condone it at all. I see that you posted your comment around a month ago, so I'm not sure what has happened since then? But I hope that you are feeling a lot (or even a little) better than you were? There's a good chance that he may have even contacted you to explain himself but if he hasn't and you have still had no contact at all still, then I would try to think yourself lucky that he showed his true colours before your relationship went any further.

Nobody is perfect and no two people can have a 'perfect' relationship, I think they can try really hard to have a fantastic relationship, but it takes time and you both have to work at it. What we discussed after this fight was the importance on honesty and trust because if you don't have these things to start with, then I don't believe you really have the right foundations to start a relationship to begin with... I genuinely hope that things work out for you and if it hasn't worked itself out with this guy, then it's because you deserve MUCH better and there is someone out there just waiting to find you! Never settle for anything! Everything we go through, good or bad, teaches us something and we must all live and learn... Wishing you health and happiness always, Zoe x

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