What happens next

Submitted by Shömi (United States), Apr 4, 2016 at 08:37

Dear Ophelia,

I was not to share the details of my personal experience until I read your post... Two years ago my story started identically, and like many others on here, I'm asking myself... could it even be the same guy?

I traveled to Morocco years before it became a popular tourist destination. Already then I knew to keep healthy distance from the local flirts. I have no idea how this one moroccan man managed to break past my good instincts, to this day I find it strange.

I bumped into him looking for directions to my riad, which happened to be just around the corner from the shop he worked at. It took him half an hour to help me find the street ;) Since then I had no choice but to see him every time I stepped outside. Although I tried, it was not possible to keep the talk short. He was quite a grotesque character, funny and bold. To my surprise, he made no attempts to sell me anything, he kept busy inventing complements instead. I knew he had a bigger plan for me. I believed I was ahead of his game.
Two weeks later I left my beloved Essaouira, by bus, to Marrakech. It was not until then I realized how much I was going to miss... HIM!? We exchanged a few calls while still in Morocco. One of them made me cry. We kept talking every day after my return to US.
It took two weeks for me to jump back on a plane. I went to visit him for ten days. This time, we travelled together to his hometown on the edge of Sahara. It was by far the most crazy idea I have ever executed. At some point I realized I was completely dependent on this guy, a stranger after all. I liked the experience of traveling through remote areas of Morocco, but it was pure luck I didn't end up in trouble. Arriving at his house didn't make it any less creepy. For the first few days his family was invisible. I had a feeling I was not welcome there. I could hear them fighting downstairs, and someone was cooking for us as well, but I wasn't introduced to his mother and sister until the very last days. To my surprise, both of them were very kind to me... Too kind I would say. The situation seemed animated and I didn't trust it at all.
My then "boyfriend", I guess, acted romantic and sweet. He went out of his way to take me to beautiful places and for the most part he treated me very well. The trip cost me nothing. However, the more I was willing to believe my fairy tale, the more I was starting to notice things I did not wish to see. He was turning cold when we were in public. I understand no PDA, but he seemed almost annoyed with my presence. He would often leave me alone at coffeeshops, chatting with his male friends, sometimes leaving the place for an hour. When we stayed at home, he would take naps for hours. When he finally woke up, he ran to get food, ate and fell asleep again. Honestly, that part was boring to death and I had hard time sharing this lifestyle even just for few days. Evenings were definitely more fun, usually just the two of us chilling under the desert sky. I'm happy to keep this memory.
Things changed after my first visit. He became more authentic maybe. More open, attached and loving, as well as moody, demanding and bossy at times. I was aware this relationship was getting toxic, yet I kept sinking deeper. He constantly asked me to come back and be together again. He was explaining his anger was just out of sadness. I felt we were threatened by separation and decided to come back once again. I planned the trip for one month, confident that this would make him happy. Whom I found was a changed man.
We were back in Essaouira, where he decided to keep his work schedule. I spent days walking alone by the beach, while he sat at his shop harassing tourists. He was coming home late smelling like alcohol, which I really didn't expect. There was very little time left for us and there was no quality to it. Sweet talk didn't do wonders to me any longer. He kept asking me if the next visit would be "forever", that one of us wouldn't have to leave. Meaning... him coming to live with me in New York? Or me investing my life savings in Morocco? Hm. Two years later, he still asks me the same question, mechanically repeating his love phrases in between. He also names prices now and occasionally sends me details on how to transfer funds via Western Union. Sometimes he yells at me for not sending the money (I never did) and then "punishes" me with silence or ten new female friends on FB. I needed this. To see his true colors was the only chance for me to disengage emotionally without regrets.

I wrote so much, I hope you don't mind I used the opportunity to let the heavy stuff off my chest... Please, everyone feel free to comment as well. Ophelia, you asked what it would be like to give it a chance... "These guys" have a gift to make you believe dreams come through. I had a problem, not with my man in particular, but with the process of disenchanting myself from his lies and the fantasy land he created for me. Are you cold enough not to invest your emotions under the desert sky? And are you brave enough to escape the absolute control he will have over you in his "hometown". What if he wins your trust after all, and you will wish to live with him "forever"? I'm not hard on eyes nor stupid, yet of all people this man decided I'm just a tool... Please take my words to your heart, I wrote them for you :)

All the Best

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