Berber or Moroccan -- slightly different name for men from the same place

Submitted by Carol (Germany), Aug 12, 2015 at 13:53

Dear Kay,

as with everything in life, there's always more than one side to it. Some men cheat, some don't; some women cheat, some don't; some muslims/catholics/jews/etc. cheat, some don't. Same counts for lies, drinking, drug abuse and so on. The list is long. Some mothers-in-law seem like leftovers from the stoneage or at least they seem like evil dragons, but some of them are nice and warmhearted. Again, two sides to everything, right? Clearly no one can nor should generalize and say all of them cheat and lie, because it would be wrong. Yet in some cases people can say that certain groups or people, like e.g. men of a certain descent and/or certain religion are more likely to cheat, lie and do heaven knows what else. Berber, or more specific moroccan Berber are also muslim, they grow-up under the same sky like other moroccans and they follow more or less the same rules as well. In case you've visitied Morocco, you certainly could hardly tell apart Berber from non Berber, because in many cases you can only make the difference when you hear them talk. The language may differ, but it's not a must. Depending on the area where your man is from, the traditional differences can be huge. Yet the mother's are mostly a pain in the neck allover Morocco and neighbouring areas. Even if they play nice, they still are mean and evil. The guys will almost hundred percent stick to their mother's side, which for a wife can become very frustrating.

I'm mentally more the tough and strong type, but even I couldn't help but to burst in tears a few times over the years. Luckily I just as quick held my head up high again. However, back to the subject of Berber men. Perhaps you should read about the bride-market in Imilchil. Google will find you to help plenty about this place and the habits. Divorces are cheap and easy to get, divorced women chose men as they please and men chose their virgins as they please. It's always helpful if there's no love involved, isn't it? No feelings, just a deal, so no hurt feelings either. Very helpful indeed... Seriously, I can not understand how anyone can marry a person this way.

Of course there's always the exception to the rule, but frankly spoken: good luck finding the exception! I'm not saying all men from such places are bad apples, but unfortunately due to experience, foreign and own, pretty much most of them are. The women from their own culture deal with trouble different, because they were raised to do so. Male children learn early on that men are the ones with value and the ones who place orders, while female children learn to obey, respectfully follow the lead of their male counterparts and fulfill their orders. So as adults, they no longer question certain points, which for us westerns mark a huge hurdle. Small example: a western woman talks to her female friend on a phone and they decide to meet for a coffee. No big deal, right?

Well, a muslim woman first has to get the permission for a phone or access to it, and if she got that, she has to ask her husband for permission to meet with her friend. Got an invitation to a wedding? Ask your husband if you're allowed to go, respectively if he's in the mood to go with you, because if he's not and he doesn't allow you to go by yourself, well, then you'll have his father or mother to intervene and talk to your husband, so he would perhaps change his mind. Sounds complicated, strange or even stupid? Not at all to them. It serves the purpose to avoid an argument between the spouses, because just a bad wife fights with her husband and of course he'll turn his back on her for being such a bad one. Needless to say he'll get himself some nice and willing chick for the night or a few hours, to console the poor guy for being married to such a bad, bad woman, who actually just wanted to meet her friend or go to a wedding..... Any further questions? I used to feel bad for the women from such cultures, but I had to learn it the hard way that these women take it way easier than we ever could.

My honest advice to you is that you go and find a nice man from your own culture and country, because even marriages between two of a kind can be difficult, which the high number of divorces states, but marriages between different cultures are even more doomed to fail. Kids make it even more difficult and in some cases dangerous, so if you have kids from a men from an islamic country, please don't make the mistake to travel anywhere near any of these countries anymore. In the end the decision is yours to make and I know it can be hard on your heart, but think in the long run and that's where you simply must face the reality: it's more than unlikely to work out well, so spare yourself the trouble.

Dear Kay, I'm an optimistic person and even after many disappointments I still believe in the good in people, it must be somewhere out there, yet I know for a fact it's very hard to find. Real love, the romantic and caring kind as we dream about, is even harder to find, especially if you're looking for it in the very wrong places. If you're lucky, you'll find a serious, honest and caring man somewhere, maybe even in the wrong places, but you should be aware of the slim chance to do so. I'm afraid you'll be some day here on this blog letting all others know how you too got fooled, fell for the wrong guy and have a broken heart. By the way, someday it heals! :-) I can't really help you, because only you can help yourself, but since you're already here reading and writing, I think your intuition is telling you something. Now you only need to follow your intuition. It seldom misguides us! If you feel like you should let go of him and run, well, then in God's name run! If you're just not sure, but you know you'll be strong enough to survive a broken heart in case you have to, well, then go for it and see what happens.

The worst case is probably sadness for a while and an increased use of Kleenex, but the sun will always rise again the next day. Keep this in mind, no matter what! As long as you live in the States you're on the safe side! Morocco for a vacation -- no problem, it's great and fascinating, but don't even think about living there! If you're already married to him and not sure how he'll behave in Morocco, please don't go there. As your husband he can insist that you don't leave Morocco, so think twice before you make a move. Just his girlfriend -- go and have fun! If the mom is a huge turn-off, or anything else turns out to be to your disliking, you'll know where the next airport is.

Serious words on a serious item. Wishing you the best with all my heart and I'm sorry for not having the perfect recipe and all the wisdom I wish to have! Hope sharing my experience can shed some light on the problems at hand. Good luck, dear! Regards, Carol

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