For women considering marriage with a Muslim

Submitted by Mary (Australia), Jan 23, 2012 at 23:59

Honestly, of course there are going to be differences in a marriage between a Muslim man and Christian/Catholic woman.

Differences encaptulate a myriad of possibilities...

Marrying someone of the opposite sex is enough difference in itself. Marrying someone of another race is further cultural difference. Marrying someone committed to an alternate religion to you encompasses great value difference(s). Marrying someone whom subscribes or follows the belief that, by default, by being female, you are of less consequence, is radical difference (to your Western religion).

The real question for women who are thinking of marrying a Muslim man is, 'how many automatic differences am I willing to contend with and compromise with or for...' and that is only the base of the burger - there is more to it than this. There are all the little nuiances and habits, the representation, the issue of where to live and what it means for you and your family, the expectation of assimilation.

Much as you might be in love with a man, if it compromises your core values of dignity (in being heard), decency (in being respected and treated as 'equal'), femininity (being able to assert yourself as a woman and therefore being sexual but also intuitive, wise and compassionate), then perhaps, this is not the life path for you.

I believe that if a man and woman truly love each other, mediation will naturally occur. Compromise (between BOTH the male and female) will occur - yes, despite the muslim expectation that a man and his pursuits and views are superior to that of a woman. If he really loves you and wants you he will negotiate terms that make you feel safe to pursue a life of marriage with him. If he does not, you will see that he fundamentally puts religion and culture, before you, therefore, to what end?

Therein, in getting involved with a Muslim man and not having ANY of these conversations, you cannot blame the man, but yourself. Because he will not change, and why should he? If you go into this relationship feeling superior to his race or religion, you will hurt yourself. If you go into this relationship naive or misinformed, you will hurt yourself. This is how he has been raised. It's up to you (the woman) to be mature, decisive and frank in discussions with him, about what differences are tenable and what differences are intolerable.

For your own sake, get honest with yourself, and him, before you go down the path of 'marriage'. And if he pushes marriage, or continuously avoids communication about what a life together means? I am afraid you have your answer right there - you're not even being factored in to this arrangement. You're the vessel for an outcome, and that outcome might be citizenship, financial gain, social gain, safety, and so on.

Please be safe, please be real. If you can't be honest with your man, at least be honest with yourself.

M x

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