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Some advice...lessons learned

Reader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men

Submitted by Pandora (United States), Oct 24, 2010 at 20:35

In 2009, I found this forum, and I sorely needed it. I was in a relationship with a Turkish man 15 years my junior. It was a relationship that took me quite by surprise, and the attraction was strong. I came to get advice here when I encountered some red flags in my relationship, namely his pushing to marry me, his anger when I wanted to take a step back because I was feeling pressured. He was controlling, intense, but also had a warm, sweet side as well. I fell in love with him and was with him for 7 months. We finally parted when I became strong enough to let him go. It was so beyond difficult, I was screaming crying on the floor.

He went on (very shortly thereafter) to meet and marry a woman he met through the internet, and it wasn't until almost a year later that I found out just how much I had been saved (in misery). His co-worker told me that he was lying to this woman, he was using her just for a green card, he had a wife and a child in Turkey all ready, and he was also dating a few other women on the side. So, my short time of tears were put in perspective. God knows what else he had been hiding from me.

Then, last year, I got to know an Egyptian man and his friends, and over time I got some background on him (but never the whole picture, naturally). Even though we never met, I was on skype with him almost daily, costing me precious time with my child and life priorities. His friends were the worst sort of creeps, taking turns flirting with me and then calling me a whore when I responded in kind. Two were married, lying on their online profiles about their marital statuses, and opening courting women from all over. The third was engaged to a first cousin, living in England (brought there by his English ex-wife), and a complete sex addict. He was the most dangerous of the bunch, and threatened to expose me to his friends, something I cut him off for.

I have come to realize that online relationships aren't that at all, they are illusions, and the time with those in our own lives (friends, family, and men in our own lands) is much more precious than the exotic fling of gathering attentions from afar. It can lead down a dark path, one that you will not be ready for should you meet them in real life.

In April, I was this close to getting a ticket, going on a plane to meet my 'love' and marrying him. He was too quick to point out hotels that he knew of that would allow us in even if we weren't officially wed. That set off a red flag. He came off as very innocent, and even told me he was a virgin. He's 30 now, and when I told him that it was over, he changed his facebook picture to a sad one (of him), and put up a wistful update. Me, I feel sad too, though not as much as free and uplifted now that I have my life back.

I thank so many for helping me, Luigi, you are a gem. And becreative, you set me straight. That said, I'm not coming back. I hope others may read of my example and listen to your instincts. Don't get involved with these men. You deserve better.


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