egyptian men/society, internet, differences etc.

Submitted by Lina (United Kingdom), Jun 27, 2009 at 17:32

To "his queen or not"

Well, it seems like you're unsure about your relationship, therefore I will reveal the concerns that I do have in regards to it. First of all, why are you so unsure? Because of the way in which you met (online)? Age gap? Cultural differences? Distance? When a woman is first hooking up with a man, she should feel excited yet confident and comfortable with the scenario. If at any point you feel like "something's not right" - then it most probably isn't. It seems us women have a built-in BS detector to guard us from predatory creatures; how effective it is depends on how good it's working at the time.

The first thing to understand is Egyptian and Muslim etiquette on courtship and meeting people in general. As a rule, Egyptian lovers do not meet each other online, unless they are a) looking for something that they can't find in real life, or b) looking for someone to target. Egyptian life doesn't revolve around technology, except maybe amongst the modern and rich. Although the internet is popular these days with young people, it's not like in the West, where almost everyone is Twittering every update of their lives. Most Egyptian couples that I know of have usually known each other in real life, for a long time, perhaps met through friends or relatives, or at university. Young Egyptian women aren't usually allowed to hook up with unknown men from the internet. So you need to ask yourself, what is he doing online so often and what is he looking for?

Expanding on the internet issue, I have a Pakistani friend, who felt so smothered that she resorted to talking to, & planning to meet, a western guy on the internet - who, by the way, she really, genuinely liked. When her arranged husband from Pakistan found out, he went nuts and when contacting me, told me "us muslims simply don't meet each other this way" and that she's "crazy". He basically implied that this is a thing that only the fallen do, but bear in mind that he is an uneducated moron and control-freak (plus was using her for citizenship). Some women are even labelled "whores" for talking to strange men - again this depends on the man's background.

Then you say he has a degree - which is possible. It could be a pile of old tosh, but even if he does have a degree, it doesn't rule a scam out. Look how hard life and vocation is here in the West, what with recession etc. and quadruple that for Egypt. Going to university isn't a guarantee to a better life, and unemployment is skyrocketing in Egypt. Young people leave college there, they are either unemployed or working in low-paid jobs, they are bored and want a better life. Wages in Egypt are practically nothing compared to most European countries... they could probably earn more cleaning toilets in the Dubai than working in admin back at home. Thus why many Egyptians choose to work in the Gulf states and west.

Thirdly, age. Age should never be an issue, and if men are allowed to romance young women then why can't it be the other way round - I agree. However, HQON, such relationships are very rare in the Middle East. Back to the cultural thing: how many 30-something Egyptian women do you see with 20-something college graduate Egyptian men? Most families would never allow this to happen, unless the older women brought something significant to their livelihood. Muslim families are all about honour - most mothers want their sons to marry a "respectable", naive virgin (or non-virgin) girl. Usually quite a bit younger than the man (one girl was rejected by a family for being a year older than the boy). Not always, but this is the rule, and it really depends on how modern your man's family is. Trust me, a lot of "unholy" activities take place behind closed doors, but the family will cover it up at all costs to save their reputation.

Age isn't the only issue, but also religion and differences. You know, a lot of educated Egyptian men are very open, indiscriminate and independent (I know of so many interracial r/ships between Egyptians and others). Easy to form a friendship with, maybe even a relationship - but in the long run, they often want someone they can share experiences with, that they have a lot in common with. Egyptian familes are, 99% of the time, in the child's life until they die. It's not like as we know it, where if a young person detests their family they can just run off and do what they want. Families are close, and their word will almost always come first, except in extreme cases. The way Egyptian men mature is much like how any other men do - they fool around in their youth, experiment... but the older they get, the stronger their desire gets to be with someone similar to them and settle down. At 23, he is very young and barely into adulthood. What he wants now might not be what he'll want in 10 years.

So you need to ask yourself more questions: what do you, at 33, and with children, seek with a young man just making his way in the world? Does he give you a lease of life? Or fill in some kind of void, something that's missing in your life. For example, your name implies that you desire to be his "queen" - the need to feel desired and worshipped? Then you need to ask (and this may sound harsh): why does a young man want to involve himself with an older women who already has children? Most western young men would run in a flash from women with children - at that age, they aren't usually ready to settle down, and if they are it's because they feel having a family would do something for their self-esteem etc. Even if he does embrace and love your family, he will most likely want a family of his own one day, and to raise them as muslim... if he's devout.

Then the "what ifs". Ok, he's generous, but for how long? I assume you're in your "honeymoon phase" where everything is like the romance of fairytales for around 3 months. For sure, by western standards, you may not be wealthy - but to some men in developing countries, you are privileged. Small things that we take for granted mean a lot in some places. Maybe he is a good young man, maybe he is at work and then back - but how can you be sure of this? Some men are good at making appearances, and keeping a girl sweet. A man could tell you he's riding a horse in the Seychelles when he's really in a more intimate position (or you could see it as the same thing if you're feeling b!tchy lol).

Then love. He said he loves you. The question is, does he even know what love is? Or it just a tool to him? It could be that he's lying or it could be that he really is lovesick - and in that case, at his age he is looking for love in the wrong places. The internet is not a great place to meet people; some online relationships are successful, but they involve a lot of time, communication and effort in order for them to work.

I know a girl who started almost all her relationships online. All of them failed - either the guy was seeing other girls behind her back, was insecure/abusive or realized that, beyond the surface, they had nothing in common. So the question is, why did she continue to seek out online lovers? Perhaps loneliness, or a history of disastrous relationships with local men, or men not meeting her expectations. All humans, besides psychopaths, need emotional connection and love. And when that's missing in our lives, we resort to whatever it takes to connect with someone. Possibly this young man recognizes your scenario and hopes to fill in that void. So what does he want in return?

Is it really love? You will need to test him. If you visit him, watch his actions, watch what he asks you. How could his actions indicate what he wants? The main prizes are usually money, a visa, a vacation/temporary residence, sex or sometimes just fun. See if anything he says or does relates to any of those.

Now, do you really love him? Or is he just an angel after a bad experience. It's easy to fall for appearances and words, but they all fade, and what's left is the person's true character. Love takes more than affectionate and flattering words - you can listen to all that on a Barry White CD, which a lot of men take inspiration from (and are sometimes just as indiscriminate).

I can see how you would like him. He's exotic, mysterious... comparing him to a lot of robotic western men and the drab, oftentimes routinal lifestyle here is understandable. But is it just a dream?

So take all these points in mind... and the main things to ask yourself are, what do you want from this and what does he want? See things from the bigger picture. Because we on here can offer advice, but we can never know what you want. I know some women can't stand to be alone for even a short period of time, but in times like that the best thing to do is build up your self-esteem, rediscover yourself, and let men run to you. Men can sniff out an unconfident woman like a sniffer dog can sniff out crack.

So whether you meet him or not, take care of yourself, keep your distance and get to know him and his culture in-depth. And if things aren't adding up after the "test" period, it's probably time to say Salam.

Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".