you are not alone

Submitted by love is blind (United States), Jan 7, 2009 at 13:40

I wanted to respond right away when I saw your post. When you asked if anyone could feel where you are coming from, I want you to know that I do, and I am sure there are still alot of women out there who have been sworn to secrecy by their man and will not, out of fear or disrespect, disclose the information we have chose to. I came upon this site myself many many months ago, before my husband arrived with me here and at that time was shocked to see how many references were made to situations that were eeringly similiar to mine.

"i have been getting up the courage to write"

it makes women like us feel better to have someone, anyone to talk to after being isolated

"when we first started out, all was great. He was kind, understanding and seemed to be accepting of my culture"

mine too! i felt so happy to find the ONE that was different than the rest. Surely he was not at all like the typical "muslims" I had heard about.

"he has gotten more and more controlling, there are so many things that I am not allowed to do now, which makes me feel sick to be honest."

I am not surprised. My husband's stifling and controlling grip was very strong even when we were separated for close to a year at a time. The signs, which at first seemed so attentive and caring, became so smothering that I had my doubts if his grip would ease up once he got here. The answer is IT WILL NOT and IT HAS NOT FOR ME.

"He also doesnt like me to go out without telling him where I am going (even the supermarket) and gets very upset when I do"

OMG this is too familiar!! Upset isnt even the word....my husband calculates every stinking minute I am away from him and those minutes need to be accounted for. I mean I can do normal things like run errands or do spontaneous things without having some heavy duty explaining and even when I am telling the complete truth he doesnt believe me. I just dont know what planet he is from where things come up unexpectedly and that things take time to get done. The only time he is relaxed when I am with my kids, then, he feels I am truthful and being "supervised". He has even gone as far as to question them about what I have done" and wanted to call my work to verify information and make it clear that he is my husband and that no one should disrespect me.

"we were supposed to get married last year, but I put the wedding off"

GOOD GIRL, and I know that it is not so cut and dry when people tell you to get away from him, but after what I have been through, and I am an intelligent, beautiful and successful woman, I am going to tell you NEVER marry him, you are only going to see worse things once you are HIS wife.

"i love the man i fell in love with who was so cool and open-minded"

I MISS MY MAN who fit that description in the beginning. Good luck getting him back, it is doubtful. I often ask myself how someone could be so deceiving. There are still times that we share tender moments and that I feel we are having a nice time together, but it is not true happiness. I dont trust him at all...it is just so hot and cold...mostly inside me I am not happy at all anymore. I have become so unhappy and tired that I dont hesitate to tell him exactly how I feel in the exact angry, disgusted and upset tone that I feel...i may be jeapordizing my own safety when I do that.

"he had gone back on so many things that he has said to me that I feel I cannot trust him anymore"

It used to be in my situation that it was ME who couldnt be trusted. I used to feel I trusted him implicitly. I know how you feel. My husband has been here nearly 2 months, it has been nothing but a nightmare, read my post "heed the warning signs, please". I dont trust him at all, I have to live day by day with him not knowing what his mood is, always walking on eggshells as far as how he will react to normal every events and things I tell him. I cant trust him because he promises me he wont drink ever again and he wont badger me and beat me, but he always goes back on his promises. I have finally told him, "I dont trust you at all, how does it feel?, you are a liar more than what you are always accusing me of, your character is worse than any man's I have ever encountered (how he would profess to supercede the character and actions of men in my past), I told him that because of actions I fear him, I dont love him the same way I did in the past and the only one he can blame is himself" his mother should be ashamed.

I am getting stronger. I have always been an independent, strong willed. These type of men cant handle strong willed, independent, out going women like us. We butt heads...he is also hard headed and hot tempered and we are like oil and water, WE DONT MIX!

"i am well educated and successful"

no doubt, most of us are. I still ask myself how I was so blinded and the answer is LOVE. Read my screen name...LOVE IS BLIND. I have given more than any woman would...financially supported him and the visa process from A - Z. I am sick now too to think that I have paid for my life to be this way.

"can anyone understand me"

I understand all too well..Read my one post about heeding warning signs. Seeing your post is the reason I finally broke my silence and I will be subjecting myself to comments and criticism that is not as easy to heed as one, (not being in my shoes exactly), might think.

"the idea that I pay for and sponsnor him to go to my country and once he finds his feet he begins his control again really fills me with dread"

I did it all! If you knew my exactly what I have done for my husband no rational, caring person would ever think that he would be so unappreciative and hurtful. I am not materialistic at all nor do I want to throw the proof into his face....I mean I have given my blood sweat and tears into this, I have put his needs before those of my own and my children..YES, dont forget I am mother of 3 children and struggling all this time to make the ends meet on my end! I guess I can only blame myself....all I wanted was to get him here and nothing stood in my way of that. I single handedly did all this. If all he would give were the little things that are more meaningful and quite frankly free of cost I would never utter a word of "all I have done for you" I would have NEVER thought things were going to be this way. I had all these hopes and dreams that have now been squashed. I thought he would be so happy to be here with me #1. I thought he would finally be even more privvy to my life and that would quell his suspicions and concerns about what was going on here. I thought he would ease up on his restrictions but it seems the more I give, the nicer I am, the more forgiving...the more gripping he gets. I dont know what else to say to you except THINGS WONT CHANGE, no matter what you do or how much you give.

"he if from quite a poor family"

YEAH all the more reason why he should be grateful and humble. My husband too, I have given him everything and look how i get paid back. Where is the love? Where is the respect? I try to tell him respect goes both ways. I used to be so happy and relaxed, even despite my hardship. All I wanted for him was to be comfortable and safe and happy. Again putting his needs before my own. I never saw him as selfish. He rarely came out and ASKED me to give money to him or do things. I did it to help him cuz that is what you do when you love someone but again the men from these countries are babied by the women in their life, I see him now like a spoiled child, who has had everything handed to him. Why should he have to live any other way than like a king? It is just so pathetic. At least my husband will do dishes, make the bed and clean up for me when I am at work. At least he does want to work and help support us. I dunno there is a whole nother set of worries that comes along with him gaining more independence too. I can get back to that later. Not to mention that he has already jeopordized mine and his co-sponsor's good name and lively hood but making problems. It just isnt evidence of someone who is appreciative of a good wife and a good life.

"he is not a horrible person though"

LOL, I used to say that same sentence. Haha...now I could careless what I say or what trouble it warrants me, HE IS A MONSTER and why I ever let it get this far I will never know. I believed in love. No one is going to change unless they want to . You cant make anyone change, especially at this stage in the game. Once you become weak and submissive...or obedient and passive they will continue to take advantage. You should be glad you dont get beaten for NO REASON at all. PLUS, we all have baggage and we are not perfect but that is no excuse to take abuse just because they had a hard life and probably were abused themselves.

"I just think he fails to see that he is breaking my spirit"

There is nothing like losing the light inside you. I worked so hard to get to a peaceful, content place in my life. I was convinced, even though I had other prospects, that this man was for me. I totally changed my direction and myself to have him in my life. He convinced me that I needed to be CLEAN. He invaded every aspect of my life. Made me disconnect myself from any friends I had, demanded my passwords to my email accounts, tried to contact (any way he could) my old friends/boyfriends, he made me get rid of all memoirs and souvenirs from my travels and my past, I feel he has even gotten so bad as to try and monitor my own thinking and interests. He is suffocating believe me. I cant believe I have divluged as much as I have but you know what IT FEELS GOOD and another thing, I hope it helps even one of you think twice before marrying someone YOU FEEL IN YOUR GUT has issues or may be deceiving you.

I cant remember the last time I was happy and as much as I hope and pleaded with GOD to bring him to me, I want my life back the way it was before. I might have been lonely at times, but I was happy, free and at peace in my home.

GOD BLESS YOU

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