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Leave him,Lauren!

Reader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men
in response to reader comment: Addicted to Pakistani Man & Don't Know What to Do

Submitted by Lana(USA) (United States), Nov 7, 2019 at 23:29

Hello Lauren

It is great that you are using your head and thinking clearly.
Just leave him-this is a dead end road.
He does not cares about you, as a person, and with time-the more you got sucked in and fall more and more in love, the more manipulative he will become.
He is playing mental games with you:"closer-farther"-he is love-bombing you, then-becomes cold and distant,it is a technique that most manipulators use in order to attach you to him and then-get what he wants/needs from you.
All MENA men are like that.

Do not waste your time and effort,leave him for his compatriot ladies to figure him out .

Here is my story:
I could not figure this out myself either,for quite a while....Red a lot of articles on Narcissism,and was trying to figure out of how come that behaving so bad -makes us ,ladies,to stick with them and ignore all those red flags of their disrespect to our feelings and needs...and then it hit me :
As soon as they figure out our weaknesses,they try to feed us with their sweet talk and tell us what we want to hear.
But then-their actions do not match their words -and this makes our heads to spin around, validating our own sanity: "If it feels so good to be around him,then why it feels so bad ,when he is not treating us with respect and his actions do not follow his words ?"
Then-"if it feels so bad to be affected by his bad behavior, rude comments ,and disrespect- why are we still together? Why it is so hard to get out of this dead end relationship?" Doesn't make any sense!!!And this whirlwind goes on and on in your head ,making you feel miserable and more involved, thinking of him and trying to figure him out.(Congratulations-you are now brainwashed!)
That is when the manipulation starts!
As soon as they put those "hooks " in your mind, they are sure that they have you attached emotionally and entitled to do with you whatever they please, using the silent treatment in alternation with sweet talk and affection-just to get what they want from you THEIR WAY, not yours,completely ignoring what you feel like or what your needs are. This dissonance between his words and his actions/ his behavior makes you feel miserable, but somehow addicted to him.

Once it was very snowy day ,it was beautiful!!!
We had a heavy snowfall but very slow one.
The snow was pouring in large chunks and setting on a tree branches,it was sunny and looked like everything was glowing,it was dreamy and amazing outside....and he asked me with his sweet talk to come and see him ,using all those romantic words,saying how beautiful the snow is and how nice it would be to have someone as beautiful and as soft ,to have near now ,and how much he misses me...etc.
The roads were bad and I had my car spinning on my way to him...but I was able to make it safe home ,praying for my safety all the way...we saw each other...had a good time...it felt like Paradise,but.....when I left his place,he never bothered to check ,if I made it home safely ,or if I am ok.
Caring for someone besides himself was not in his plans.It did not click in his selfish brain ,that at least,he should pretend to be polite and call or text me -to see if I made it safe home.Not even that....
That showed me a lot about him and his true intentions.
Guess what?
He was dare enough to call me a few days later saying how bad he missed me(more likely because it did not work out with one of his other multiple girls,he has in his pocket ,and rotates time to time to see who is available )and how nice it would be to have us -him and me,together again.
But I made up my mind and said to myself:"you lost me in a snowstorm"...
I opened the door and looked at him foe one last time,and then-I made my very first step into a brand new sunny,white shiny day!
The day without him...the life without him!
Into a white day, like an unwritten new page of my life. I felt like a bag of bricks fell off my shoulders.
It was a point of no return, after which he no longer existed to me!!!

Blocked him everywhere I could, chopped off my waist long black hair, he used to like, and brush with his fingers,changed the color of it ,and trashed all the clothes, I used to wear while with him,got myself a new car, wiping him completely off my life like he never existed!!!!
I lived somehow without him, before we met and I will live just fine after-without him!!!!
I changed a lot!
He may not recognize me if we accidentally bump into each other on the street!!!
How stupid and naive it was for me to believe that I am the "only one " he has! How naive are those other girls ,believing that they are "the one " for him!!!!Do not they smell my perfume in his bed or don't they see my hair on his pillows,or my hair pins in his place. Do not they feel that he has "another woman",don't they guess it by the way he behaves around them?
Looking at his phone all the time, every 15 minutes,as if he expects call or a text,he does not wants you to know about ,covering it from you so that you can not see the details?
Or asking you for how long are you staying ,as if he was afraid that the other lady may walk in when you are still there???? Disgusting !!!!
It is important to stand up for our values,no matter what, and do not accept disrespectful behavior by any means.
"Modest man",indeed!!!(That is how he is known among his friends and relatives.) He needs a crowd to boost his ego ,or to bring you down, so that he can feel better about himself.
Because in reality he is a LOSER-the fact that he hides even from himself.
Those boys need to learn that there are plenty of the other good,decent and caring men out there, and they -are not the last men in the world to cling to.
The reason they do it-is to remind you about him as soon as you started to mend yourself, and to see if you still into him.
Like nothing happened.It is another way to manipulate you and your emotions.Because he does not care if you hurt or not,as to him you are only an object with no feelings and if you have something that he may benefit from,he will try to take advantage of you again one way or another.
No he did not change!Trust me!
He wants to have you back just to use you again ,and then -dump you,to show that he is in charge of when to break up this so-called "relationship" and it is his decision,not yours!
SO BETTER BE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY,than one who got dumped.
I wrote it in my posts earlier, that mine did contacted me again,he even dared to mention God, and wanted to hoover me back,saying of how much he missed me and that he went to his country and brought me a present,and so on....I did not bother to respond,so that the next day he wrote:"Dismissed".(Like I ever care at all))))For him-option "second chance"-was successfully disabled!))) He was dismisses a while ago,like he never,ever existed.
Too bad we can not write in front of our hearts"please wipe your feet" before you enter it,like some rugs say at the house entrance. So we should not let someone lousy to crawl back into our life again.
And that showed me how "much he missed me and loved me".He did not realized that I dismissed him a while ago and is laughing at his so predictable and immature manipulative behavior.
Love is a verb,it is a will to give and not to take from the loved one.
If you do not see it in his actions and not words then he is an illusion in your head of how things could be but never was,and-trust me-never will be. So-let go of this illusion and move on.
Let that clown out of your life,let him perform for somebody else.
Stay strong and if you are writing the story of your life,do not ever let anybody else to hold your pen,or dictate of how it should be!!!
Make yourself your priority,splurge some money on new wardrobe,go to spa or travel to a new place,read some good books,learn new skill(painting for instance),respect yourself and guard yourself from those losers,and never settle for less,stand up for your values no matter who it is.We do not need anyone's approval to be ourselves.We are perfect the way we are ,"God makes no mistakes ".)
I think that some people were sent our way to teach us something about ourselves and to become a better person with clear boundaries and core values,and with clear knowledge of what we are looking for in a relationship.
Sorry,did not mean to vent here, but...
Yes, he still tries every which way he can,t o get my attention,"dancing on a wire" even after I blocked him everywhere,this weasel still manages to change his phone number to contact me. He dared to text me that he was in his country and came back, he remembered me and brought me a decoration, so that I have to come to see him to pick it up. Really????Not even planning ahead for a date at certain time at certain place in advance,but just saying" here is my number,you can call when you can."
Do I have to ???? And then I ask myself-what for?So he can use me again??
Did he bring anything good to my life?-NO.
Did he made any effort to earn my trust or to know me better as a person?-NO!
Did he make any effort to prove that he is serious about me?-NO!!!
Do I want to spend my old age, guessing if he will cheat on me, or as soon as I got sick, fat or ugly with age, circumstances and time-he will drop me for someone better?-NO!!!
Did I get any respect ? NO!!!
So why in the hell I would want to have someone around,
when I would have to question every single word or action of him???
When I needed help-he was always busy.
I was freezing in my car in a winter having flat tire, asking for help...
I was sick,he never called to find out of how I feel,or wished me to get well soon, but demanded to see me as soon as I am better (???)
Could he, at least once, try to be polite?-NO.His crown will fall off!!!
I can do better without him!

P.S.What is past is past...Fall with it's falling leaves teaches us to let go of something that is dead,so that something new will have a place to come and stay.
Just like the dead leaves falling off the tree branches, so that the new ones will grow in Spring.....

I am VERY happily married now- to a wonderful, caring and genuine man from my own culture!!!! So the "last laugh"- IS ON ME.

Hope that helps!!!
Stay strong and stand your grounds!!!



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Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".

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