I've been married to my Turkish husband for 17 years

Submitted by Yvette (United Kingdom), May 30, 2018 at 16:29

Hello, I thought I'd respond to your request to hear from other western women who have married Turks, so hear you go!

I met my husband back in 2000 when I was working in Turkey as an archaeologist. He was driving his dad's minibus during the summer ferrying the archaeologists back and forth. He was only 18 when I met him, studying at university. He fibbed about his age, he told me he was 20 because he was almost 19 but Turks count that you are 1 on the day your born. I was 21 at the time and assumed I was only 1 year older than him. Silly, but I've always felt a tiny bit guilty about being a cradle snatcher! Fact is, you get any man while he is young and you can mold him! So the age difference has actually been an advantage to me.

We now live in the UK, having moved about at bit for my job we eventually settled in North Wales where my parents live. We have 2 girls aged 12 and 13. I feel blessed that we never had to broach circumcision of a boy as I know we could come to blows about that, although he has said he would accept his son could wait and decide for himself when he was old enough, the reality might be different.

There are many aspects that make it difficult to be married to a Turk, however we have made it work. He has a very traditional view point and can be impossible to reason with at times, however I have realised that the fact he is doggedly devoted to our marriage gives me time to whittle away at his macho persona. Turkish husband's have egos, they need to feel like the MAN. However, give them the right food, dab a bit of bleach about and pretend you've been cleaning the house all day and he's more than happy!

They are simple creatures, the perfect habitat for a Turk is a nice open living space, they find clutter claustrophobic. This may go back to their nomadic ancestors. Children's toys all over the floor can be a major issue and Lego is never an activity he is likely to engage with the kids with. Outdoor space is vital, my husband loves going out with the kids to kick a football or jump on the trampoline but never expect him to take out the bins, mow the lawn or do much DIY. My husband does have his own drill and I let him put pictures up but wallpaper, plastering, laying laminate flooring, bricking up fireplaces, building sheds - that's all been my forte. I get wound up by this at times but try to remember that the kids see me as a strong woman role model and we do share jobs. My Turkish husband is a fantastic chef, he creates delicious food from virtually nothing left in the fridge. The kitchen is always immaculate when he's left it unlike after my roast dinners!

Another lovely thing about a Turkish man is that they never leave the toilet seat up. Although he does manage to soak the bathroom floor with water every time he preys (5 times a day) he frequently leaves his socks about and gets frustrated when I've removed them but it's our little quirks with each other. It is advisable not to use absorbent flooring such as carpet or laminate flooring in the bathroom as something that can be mopped regularly is more resistant. Good sealant around all sinks is a must as Turkish men are very liberal when washing dishes. Never help them dry the dishes as they will whip you with a wet tea towel on the bottom and delight in your scream!

Pulling your cheeks is something you might have to get used too, I have managed to get my husband to stop doing that to me. I recommend wearing a face mask in the evenings - they don't like to touch that! After a period of time they do loose the urge but be careful not to have a baby straight away as the issue will reamerge if they have delicious chubby faces. My youngest daughter charges her father £1 every time he pulls her cheek (she is reasonably wealthy now!).

Religious issues - I have virtually no religion with the exception that I will not give up Christmas or Easter. We celebrate both Muslim and Christian festivals (our children are very spoilt!) I think the important thing is to learn as much as possible about your husband's religion. My husband was adamant that pets are not allowed in a Muslim home until I discovered that the prophet Muhammad actually cut the arm off his prayer robe so as to not disturb a cat that was sleeping on it. Cats are actually the only animal actively invited into a mosque as they are considered clean animals. We now have 1 cat, a rabbit, 3 guinea pigs and a ton of tropical fish and shrimp.

Whatever you want that he objects to, there is always an angle you can find in the Koran to get what you want out of him. Understand the differences between cultural traditions and what is in the Koran. If you don't like something that he is insisting on, research it and present your view. Your husband will be delighted that you are interested in learning about Islam.

You do not have to start wearing a head scarf, unless you want to. I don't wear a scarf unless I am visiting the mosque at festival times. I have got a whole load of beautiful scarves that I wear as neck scarves. Never tell him you think the scarf is wrong, just remind him that there are more ways to be a good person and the scarf gives no guarantee. A woman who wears a head scarf can still have a toxic soul if she insists on expensive designer scarfs and walks past the begger on the street. If heaven exists, your points are counted. The headscarf is not one of the pillars of Islam.

Ramadan, my husband fasts for Ramadan. During the summer months is can be extremely difficult. He can make himself ill and I would be a liar if I pretended we haven't have huge rows about it. For the last couple of years we have managed without the threat of divorce. I cook enough food to leave him plenty of left overs in the fridge. He breaks his fast with sports drinks to rehydrate him. He frequently breaks his fast at the local mosque and still enjoys the festival atmosphere with others. I am sad that we do not celebrate the festival as a family like they do in Turkey but I cannot encourage our children to fast nor stay up all night long to eat with their father. The British Muslim Council recommends that children do not fast until they reach over 15. I hope that by this time my children will be wise enough to decide for themselves. I don't fast, I attempted it once but working a physical job as an archaeologist is not compatible. I do believe there are merits to fasting but I cannot do it. I help my husband as much as I can, I do not discourage him anymore, I prepare myself for his bad breath and accept he will not want to kiss and cuddle me during the day time. Basically he gets a wide birth during Ramadan!

Not sure what else I can write, I hope this helps anyone who is married or starting off on a relationship with a Turkish man. Please bare in mind, no man is identical, what has worked for us is down to us both being flexible. The benefits of being bi cultural is we have beautiful girls with blue eyes and dark skin. They are well rounded confidant and embrace their duel identies. Whenever my husband and I argue our children are frequently able to talk either one of us around and remind us our common goal is the love for our babies. We have had a great deal of history, ups and downs and a period that really tested us while I went through cancer treatment. I wonder if a British guy would have stuck with me all this time.

Remember all couples argue, if there is no passion there is no point. Even my Grandparents who lived together all thier lives had cultural differences, my Grandmother was English and my Grandfather was Welsh. They fought like cat and dog! Diversity is the spice of life and I often think we are advantaged to let things go because it is easier to say "let's put that down to our cultural baggage and move on"

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