Turkish Delight Reader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men

Submitted by EmilyK (United States), May 9, 2015 at 13:01

To: cihangirgal (United States)

I read your very long, wellwritten and interesting post. I have to say that this is the typical cross-cultural summer fling love story. I had a similar experience, but at a much younger age with an Argentinian boy. I am now married to a Lebanese. You'd be surprised, but all these culturals have some similarities (at least in comparison to the typical white, middle-class, suburban type culture). I come from from a lower white class family from the US, but I've lived overseas my entire life in Asia. They are fairly liberal and individualistic when it comes to what they expect from their children. However, I was also raised in a very conservative Christian family. It's a strange mixture of very similar and very different extremes from my husbands family. So in some aspects, I share similarities with my husbands' culture (and the Argentinian by some degree), when it comes to family life, expectations regarding sex, marriage, children, religion, honoring parents, etc. But I can get into all that another time (unless you wanna know).

What I learned through the Argentinians experience is that some men have a dream and fantasy of the life they want to live, with the kind of woman they are attracted to. When you succum to some of their expectation of how a woman of theirs should be behave, dress or think, it makes them happy and encouraged. But eventually, they are so tied up in the realities of their culture, and expectations of their families, that they become convinced you will never be the kind of woman they want to marry. In extreme cases with Muslims and Catholics they do not actually mentally, emotionally, spiritually commit themselves to the marriage even when they are married. It is more of a social obligation and family contract. Like a business deal.

So what I understood from your story, he may have loved you as much as he knew or allowed himself to love you. The fact that he gave up another woman he loved for the sake of his parents opinions over her demonstrate that he does not make such choices by his own heart. In the long run, it's better that you didn't marry him. Not only because you wouldn't have gotten all of him and his love, but also because it would cause a lot of other decisions he made in life to fail. His work, education, life choices would have been at the dictation of another person. That other person, no matter how good their intentions, would not have held your welfare or your childrens' welfare in the highest place. They simply cannot because they are not 'you guys'. These types of men are living their life as if it were a tv show, a fantasy. So it's not something you should take personally, just something that means he's not ready for marriage, or not appropriate for someone like you who takes your life more seriously than he. On a second note, there are a lot of men stuck in bad situations or bad countries that are merely looking for a way out. Again that leads to the fantasy part. They wish they weren't themselves. They don't want to face their own fears, desires or have independant beliefs/thoughts and take charge over who they really are or who they want to become. This leads them to have multiple relationships that can never meet or know about each other. Like a second life. It's a symptom of a greater personal problem which you unfortunately cannot fix, they can only choose to change.

There's another good example of this with my husbands cousin. He dated a girl from Venenzuala for several years, originally online, but then she started visiting him in Lebanon. Everyone, even the family thought they would marry and that he loved her. But one day he simply stopped replying to her, she never heard from him again. I asked him about this, and he told me that one day he simply realized it was not her he was in love with, as much as he wanted a break from his life, and to stop being who he was. But when he broke up (or ignored her), he was finally ready to deal with his problems head on. He started to change, and finally he did meet another girl, also a foreigner, they are now married, and he left his old life behind him.

There are some good men in the Middle East. I appreciate all the wonderful, strong aspects about my husband that I hadn't seen present in American men. His determination, strength, honor, love for his family, placing others infront of his own whims, while still being passionate and standing up for what he thought was right. You can find good men in the West, you can also find strong men, you can find men of conviction, and passionate men. But you seldmonly find them wrapped up in one package. If you find a great Middle Eastern man with all those qualities I just mentioned, then you are lucky and have a great future ahead of you. But there will be problems you have to work through. He will have a lot of hurt, baggage, problems with his family over his choices of independance (my husband comes from a traditional village background, and he became a filmmaker against the will of his parents which they still judge him for today). He may have insecurities, money problems, may have not have finished his education. Asian culture (including Middle East) tend to value those who tow the line, keep their heads down and don't go against family and ritual. The best Middle Eastern men I met are the ones who already went against the grain since a young age. But this why they faced descrimination. Because of this descrimination, they have more problems. You have to be willing to see past those problems. The problem with your man was that he wanted freedom, but wasn't willing to stand up to his culture, family and friends. It was a type of false freedom he was after. He wasn't willing to cut people off, and give ultimatums. It's tradition in Eastern culture that a wife has to be one with her husband, it's on her to keep giving until there's nothing left, to make up for his problems. But when you are the outsider and automatically wrong, or if he is the type that has so many things he's incontent with about his life that he seeks this second existance with a foreigner or multiple women, then you have to be careful.

I think though that in every culture, if it's a love marriage or a genuine relationship, there's no room for lying. Some Eastern women don't expect this kind of fully-pledged love and commitment from their men, it's more of a financial/status commitment they are seeking, so are not bothered at all by his affairs as long as they do not shame them. (ie. everyone else can know, but the husband should make an effort to keep it a secret from them or they'll be forced to deal with it). But there are other Eastern women who do look for something more personal and emotional, they do have good marriages.

So in a nutshell, that is my opinion on this guy. Don't give up on foreign men, or even Middle Eastern men. But do be aware of the cultural things going on that could influence the type of Eastern man you are attracting. Try to find someone who matches you, someone who even if they were American, you would still gel with.

Hope you find success!

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