For Mary

Submitted by Allieh (United Kingdom), Nov 12, 2009 at 07:12

Hi Mary

It's been good to read your posts and I'm glad that you've come here to read and get advice. I can understand why you are confused as this man is telling you conflicting things and also telling you all the things you want to hear which makes you think things are not that bad. I urge you to please listen to those who are asking you to use extreme caution. I can see that you are getting a better understanding of things and you are starting to see that all is not as it seems with this man. He will realise that you are starting to see the truth and he will meet every question with a plausible answer, but stay on your guard! do not take everything he says at face value, he is not being honest with you about his country, his religion or his intentions.
I am now personally very worried about you and do not want you to go to Afghanistan or to try to bring this man here under any circumstances. I do not believe for a minute that he is genuine in his love for you for many reasons, the first few being that he is in a shockingly war torn, poverty stricken, fundamentalist islamic country and WILL want a chance to leave despite what he says; he does not know you, he only 'met' you online, and can't possibly truly love you without meeting you and knowing you over a longer period of real time. It's internet fantasy; he is a fundamentalist muslim who is NOT looking for a non muslim wife and is only wanting a way out, and with you he can eventually get to Canada. The fact that he is saying he will explain Islam to you and is expecting you to embrace it is also a huge red flag here, he is not accepting you for you as you are now. This is not love. It's a business contract in the making and he is playing with your feelings to get it. He has to say he doesn't want to live in Canada as if he admits it then he runs the risk of you realising the truth about his visa hunting. Have you read anything/do you know anything about India? conditions there are not great either and many would not elect to live there! it is also not safe for westerners in some parts. The fact that he'd be happy to go there shows you how awful life is in Afghanistan!

I know I do not know him, but neither do you sweetheart, he could be a psychopath or a paedophile for all you know. There is no way of finding out from Canada and do you really want to take the risk to go to Afghanistan to find out? it is too great. From an outsider's view point this is not a situation that will end well. You are young, but not a child. You have been naive, but you are learning now from your research online. You are seeing how these men operate and reading the experiences and stories of others. Please don't fall into the very, very tempting but fatal trap of thinking 'my muslim man is different and is not like that'. Please try to see things as they truly are and to keep your wits about you. We love with our hearts but we have eyes, ears, common sense and minds as well. Engage yours, don't get carried away here with your emotions. If someone else was telling you your story, say a best friend, what would you advise her? Read about Afghanistan, take heed and listen to the truth about the political, religious state of the place and read about how muslim men in muslim countries can be towards their own women and to foreigners. They rarely want an equal relationship where islam doesn't figure highly. Even educated men can be fundamentalist in their religious views and will expect you to live in a way that is just not acceptable to you. You have been brought up in a democratic, liberal country where people are allowed to express themselves and have freedom and life in an islamic society is nothing like that, especially not for women. I'm sure you are seeing this from both your own research and the excellent posts by Margaret recently on here.
I am being honest with you because I don't want to see you going off innocently and trustingly and getting badly hurt emotionally and potentially physically in the process. Keep asking questions, research everything online, use your brain and don't listen to every charmer and sweet talker online or in your offline life either. Don't spend hours online talking to this man, get out and do things you enjoy, see your friends and family and get some perspective. These men are very good at sucking us women in, they tickle our ears with their charming words and can seem like much better men than westerners...but it's an illusion. The reality is we can't know them online, we don't have anything in common with them and we can't relate to them in the way we need to to have happy long lasting marriages. Yes, there will always be one or two relationships that work, or appear to work, against all the odds but they are the very, very rare cases. Do not pin your hopes on being one of those. Often in many cases the whole truth about the man doesn't come to light until after many years of marriage and the slow erosion of the woman's self esteem and hope. I really hope you will look inside and see that you know the truth deep down and have the courage and strength to just walk away from this man. You are a young woman who deserves to be loved for herself and not what a man wants to mold you into. You will meet someone who is interested in you for the amazing qualities you have and not for what benefit you can bring him. You are not a pawn to be used. Please believe that you are worth much more than what is being offered to you. Love doesn't need to be hard or against the odds to be real and authentic. An exotic or foreign man is not exciting or romantic he is just different and frequently more difficult to see eye to eye with. Life is not a Hollywood movie. It has enough problems without making it hard for yourself.
If this seems harsh advice, I'm sorry, but I truly believe you will be better off if you can delete this man from your life and start moving on.
Good luck sweetheart please keep coming back here to tell us how you are, Allie x

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