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Let Me Just Leave This Here!

Reader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men

Submitted by Becca, Apr 22, 2019 at 07:16

Hi All,

Long time no speak, I hope you are all well? May God bless you all and your families!

As some of you may know, I submitted my story on this site in 2016 expressing my concerns for a Moroccan guy that I was speaking to online awhile ago. He is now 28 and I am 22. Despite all the wonderful words and messages of concern towards my situation from you all, I decided to take the risk and visited him in 2018. Before I begin, I would like to tell each and every one of you that you are amazing and only good, genuine and fantastic people go through painful, outrageous experiences like the ones each and every one of you have experienced! Your hearts are too pure and are filled with nothing but good intentions. Just remember that from now on, it's all about YOU no one else, YOUR aspirations, YOUR goals, YOUR success and YOUR happiness put everything else below that and begin to start loving yourselves and loving who you truly are because no one can do that for you. It's impossible to look for that from anyone else besides yourselves! Once you master the arts of this, everything in your lives will fall into place!

Anyway, I went in September 2018 to visit this man because I wanted to understand why I felt so strongly about someone that I have never met. We clicked from the beginning and our personalities were very similar too, we pretty much laughed at the same things which was great! This may have been the starting premise for my confessed feelings for this guy. So we met at the airport, things were good- we greeted each other as you do. Our plans were to rent a car from the airport but that quickly failed given the extortionate prices and taxes that are applied on the vehicles before you even get to drive them (wouldn't recommend it for anyone wanting to rent a car in Morocco). Anyway, he quickly sorted that out and contacted his brother's friend to arrange for us to a rent a car off of him and of course I paid the same price I would have if I were to rent a car from the airport without the taxes (bare in mind, the car wasn't brand new or even filled with petrol). I am an easygoing person so if I'm honest, I didn't think much of it but as individuals living in Western countries, we don't because for us many things are affordable. Which could be something to bare in mind for future references.

So we stayed at one of his sister's flats who is living in Europe (I didn't know if she even knew that we were there), but as soon as we arrived, there was a man already staying there! For me you could imagine what I was thinking, I definitely considered my safety especially being alone around two men. So he rung his brother and found out that he gave one of his friends his sister's key so that he could stay there for a few days (that alone tells you about the life in Morocco, poverty is alive and kicking there and it is very difficult for a single person to own a home). Anyway, guy (we'll give this name to the man I was seeing), said that he can sleep there for one more night and in the morning he would have to leave which is what he did. After that, the holiday ran smoothly, we travelled, he took me multiple places, we went out to eat in many restaurants with the exception that I paid of course because he was not working! :) Like I said, I am an easygoing person. Despite the fact that I came to Morocco to visit him, I also came for leisure so I was getting the best of both- so I thought at the time! As well as this, I study Sociology and Psychology at university, so it was the perfect opportunity to put my objective, analytical skills to the test!

A couple of days in, guy told me that one of his other sisters from the USA, is coming to Morocco for a holiday and she will be staying at her house that her and her husband own. Guy expressed that we should visit them- I'm easygoing, so of course I didn't see a problem with it but I delayed it up until the last two days that I was there before I went home. Before I get into that, I would like to say that during the holiday, guy was offloading behaviour that I interpreted pretty much as controlling. He would say things like "babe you don't need to wear much makeup you would look nice if you did just your eyebrows and maybe some eye makeup too" he would also say, "babe if you don't loose weight in 6 months time then...." then I said "then what?" Then as he could see I was offended he begun to turn it around into a joke etc. This behaviour is the initial signs of control ladies. If one is unable to assert their control or even uphold it, best believe domestic violence will be at the forth front of that relationship! When it comes to many things, I definitely do not tolerate anyone feeling that they can have a say on what I do with my body, my looks and just me in general. I am who I am, you either love it and take it or leave me the hell alone. I was not going to have any man make me feel less than the fantastic person that I am so I made sure that I silenced his ass the moment he said these things. Self love is better than any kind of love and if you don't have that, unfortunately, many people fall into situations that reflect having a lack of it!

Back to he story:

As we visited his sister she was very polite, was telling me how beautiful I am and that I remind her of her brown dolly that she had when she was a kid, she was encouraging me to express to her how I feel about her brother and she also gave her input towards the situation. I told her that I am worried that guy may not like me as much as I like him and she quickly interrupted and said: "honey in Morocco the culture is very different, the guys are shy especially when they like a girl so they won't tell her that they do they will just show it". Two things instantly came into my head: one, if that was the case, marriage would have been a factor that we would have discussed prior to many things and two, I considered that maybe visiting his sister was a subliminal for showing me how much of a family guy he is to of course score points in my chart! In short, she was very much pushing for guy to take the next step of course marriage, so she rung her mother on the phone and told her that she's at her house with guy and his fiancé *initiates side eye look*. So immediately the mother was ooing and aaaing on the phone, asking why guy never told her about this, asking if I'm beautiful and demanding that I come to her house to visit both her and guy's dad. As well as this, she also said to guy's sister that he should make sure that he's serious because it's not nice to break the hearts of women or even to mess them about! My objective instincts kicked in and I realised that by her saying that, would have absolutely meant that he's done this before in the past. So I pulled guy to a side and asked him if we can meet his parents. He said that he knows that I'm not ready yet, I'm still at university, I'm studying and with Moroccan parents as soon as they meet you, they will ask when marriage will happen. As much as he definitely had a few valid points, I was absolutely NOT ready in anyway shape or form for marriage. I also considered that by him saying that, he may not be ready for that step also which brings me to the question of: why was I there in the first place? Culturally and religiously, these men are forbidden by their God and the laws of Morocco to have relationships and sex outside of marriage. If a man is serious about you and is ready for the next step, he will introduce you straight away to his parents NOT his siblings! Having already collected several things that was so wrong with my experience, I also had an additional factor to add. I gathered that during my encounter with his sister, I was not asked once about myself, my aspirations, what I do, my goals, my intentions with her brother and overall my life back in England. As a sister myself, these would be the first things that I would ask someone who I potentially consider as marriage material for my brother so instant RED FLAGS! We all went out to dinner; guy, his nephews, his sister, her husband and me. They regularly spoke in Arabic when they didn't know the words in English so guy would always translate what they were saying so that was comforting. Anyway, I asked guy's brother in-law what he does back in America and how him and his wife met. He is Moroccan also and said that he owns his own restaurant back in Morocco, he was previously married to a woman but it didn't work out, so he came back to Morocco which is where he found guy's sister. He expressed that he had to work hard to get her hand in marriage but once he did, he took her to her parents, introduced himself and from there they got married. Do you see what is wrong with this? Firstly, I would like to previously reflect on what I said about the man introducing his potential wife to his parents or in the woman's case, her parents which is exactly how I knew I was not in a genuine situation with guy. Secondly, In my opinion, it seemed very odd that all of his sisters live outside of Morocco nevertheless, her husband once being Moroccan born but now an American citizen with his own business?! So I added these observations to my big list of things wrong with this trip and I kept quiet. By the way, there was still no curiosity proposed towards me about what I do etc. These red flags are overflowing by this point! So, meeting his sister was over and he told me that he needs to go home to get a few clothes to stay at his sisters house. We drove to his parent's house and he asked if I want to meet them and I said yes to test the water and then he said "no babe you're not ready". I wasn't but maybe he was absolutely nowhere near ready for that either! So from that, I sensed abit of manipulative behaviour within his characteristics. In my opinion if I was ready for marriage, I wouldn't be throwing the "would you like to meet my parents?" Around like it's some sort of game! Before all of this, his phone rung earlier in the day and it was a girl calling called Fatima. I asked who she was and he was telling me that she's a friend that he previously met at work and is in a stupid relationship with her boyfriend and she regularly calls him for advice on the matter. I asked him if she hasn't got any other friends to speak about that with? I also asked if she knows that you're seeing someone? He said she doesn't but he will tell her now. So apparently he told her and she said "you didn't tell me that you have a girlfriend?" For me again red flags, it was clear that she was a girl that he kept close by so that he can use whenever he wants to and push away when he wants, I didn't need proof to verify that, I know how men are especially in my country! A man is a man and despite the distinct differences, biologically they are all the same. So, another red flag added to the book! Remember what I said about self love and having a lack of it will reflect in your personal encounters with others! It was clear that she didn't have much self love to be relying on a man for relationship advice, a clear illustration of a potential manipulative and abusive relationship as many women face in Islamic countries (check the statistics)!

So the trip ended, he bought me a gift, dropped me to the airport and waited for me to get inside before he drove off. I was sad to be leaving but maybe because I knew that after so much consideration, I would never be seeing him again! A couple of days being back in England, he messaged me to tell me around 9pm that he's going to a wedding etc. Instant gut instinct was that he was playing me which is probably what he was doing with Fatima too. So for almost two days I didn't hear anything from him, so I messaged his sister on Facebook to tell her. She said to me: "Honey don't worry he's probably just helping my brother move to the Netherlands or something, if it was a long time that you haven't heard from him, I would be worried too but he is safe". I explained to her that we are in a long distance relationship so communication is vital from both parties, going to a wedding doesn't mean that he cannot message me during that time. I don't expect a call but at least a text message! So she said "I understand honey but when you get married, you won't need to worry about distance, I would love for you to have a Moroccan wedding you will look beautiful in a Moroccan dress". From that I gathered emotional manipulation to distract me from the truth that guy is a good for nothing looser! Anyway, his sister tried to contact him- no luck, but he magically video called me the next morning. I asked him where he has been he laughed and said to me "babe are you serious? I haven't been away for a long time" he then laughed again and said that he thinks I'm going crazy. That my friends is how you know that this guy who i once thought was sweet, is a player! A mature man with genuine feelings wouldn't have left me in the dark and then came back with a narcissistic approach such as that one. Once I asked him again where he was he explained that he was at his sister's house with his sister. I told him that I was on the phone to his sister and he said "did you ask her if I was there?" Hahha crazy right? There's no way that his sister would not say that he's with her on the phone if he was there. Also, she already made up an excuse to cover his back- so they thought! The lies backfired, my data analysis grew and my objectivity helped me to see through these disgusting people! So my gut was right, so were my doubts and suspicions, I ended what I thought I had with him and I will never ever talk, visit, consider or even date one of these men again. My analysis was that his sister wanted a better life for him, he wanted that too but wasn't good enough to hide his objectives. My mum always said "people cannot pretend for long, the truth will always come to the light". So I didn't have time to justify my reasons for ending it, I just changed my number and I feel as light as a feather!

Truth is ladies, I know and understand that not everyone will be like me in situations like this but just remember that the key attributes needed to prevent something terrible happening to you is loving yourself, aim to seek the truth and stay as objective as possible! Our feelings are sometimes what cause us to get hurt so once you master how to mask them, you see through the evil intentions of people and the world becomes your oyster! It took me awhile to get over this experience because I had genuine feelings for this guy but writing everything here in plain and exposing it out in the open, has proven to possess some therapeutic properties that has helped me to accept, love and move on from this. I am a new woman and I am now in a happy and blessed relationship with a man from England! We'll hope for marriage once we grow graciously together and explore the world to see what life has to offer!

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