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Lemew many good pointsReader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men Submitted by Jordana Ghannam--Ahmed (United States), Sep 27, 2016 at 06:02 I see you making many of the same or similar points as i have made in my posts and they are all very valid and correct ones; I can't stress enough how these mustn't be underestimated in importance by women in these scenarios with men from a cultural background not of their own (not to mention any potential age differences, religion, socioeconomic status etc) another point i have probably made in the past but feel is worth mentioning again is this: relationships are rarely successful amongst inequals. I am going to explain what exactly i mean by that and this is something i learned from my father and i feel is equally applicable regardless of the couple-they could both be from a similar culture and nationality yet have stark inequities and differences that are vital to the outcome of the relationship. When my dad told us many years ago, to marry someone like us, i kind of took it as somewhat xenophobic or prejudiced without understanding what he really meant until many years later. To use an example, someone from a middle class hardworking background would probably be best suited to a spouse from a similair socio economic upbringing/aspirations, with similar values, work ethic, spending habits, and gender/marital roles. Of course very often some or all of these aren't equal or the playing field isn't level so to speak, and this doesn't necessarily spell disaster for the relationship; it will however be a guaranteed source of friction or conflict that will have to be dealt with and given some concerted effort in order to be a healthy and truly happy union, and many people choose to overlook these types of conflicts in the blissful or honeymoon stage of their relationships because they cannot fathom ever running out of lust and infatuation to sustain them. This is very common amongst many of my married friends in the usa as the dating/marriage process is much more based in fantasy and fairy tale ideals (this is my opinion and experience and not at all indicative of everyone, everywhere as i realize relationship are as unique as each couple and cannot be categorized into such basic terms) whereas in some more conservative and long term-minded cultures we tend to look past the physical attraction and into our compatibility as friends, parents (or not), our spiritual growth and practices (or lack thereof), the importance of money, spending habits and ideals, our families and boundaries therein, how we share and divide household and marital roles and responsibilities, and o course, our sexual/physical attraction and needs now and our emotional desires for the future. Even the simple decision of when and if to marry is very important and not one that either party will be keen to compromise on. Of curse all relationship require compromise and come with differences or adversity, but i think if women make an effort to really look at their prospective men objectively, without blinders, and not be afraid to address important issues to them and their partners it would go a long ways. It sounds so logical and so simple even writing this, and no, i do not Question the intelligence or integrity of any woman reading this, but it is something that can so easily be buried under intense connections and attraction, and seem unimportant, as we are highly motivated by our emotions, and are trusting loving and giving by our very nature in many cases. Often times, when the relationship is with someone outside our own culture or ethnicity or religion, women no longer hold the relationship to the same expectations or standards as they would with a man from home. Or they are fearful that by having a rigid definition of what they require in a man will make them demanding or impossible to please, or they will miss out entirely on opportunities. That may well be true-you wont get those endless dissappointments and dead end relationships you could've had if you stay true to your ideals and pick with your gut intuition firstly, and your well guarded heart secondly. Nobody ever missed out on true love by being realistic and true to one self, or by by never bending their own rules, or by insisting on respect. The men you lose out on by setting high and clear defined standards and expectations are not men who would have been a good use of your time in the first place. (im not taking about being a demanding perfectionist here and by "standards" im meaning primarily non-superficial ones just to be very clear). The misconception so many women have is that they wont find someone, that somehow there is an expiration date on love or even that a man/marriage is the measure of their worth/accomplishment or happiness in life!! SO NOT TRUE!! It is true that many of us have that desire within us to be wives, mothers or even just to have that significant other to share our lives with and i am 100% without question one of those women myself, but women must live as though they are "SOMETHING", something of value, with purpose, and complete WITHOUT the man. We aren't half of a marriage, we are whole women; a man doesn't make us, or complete us, and there is not a missing hole anywhere in a woman's being that remains empty unfulfilled and lacking if not filled by a man. I think especially women who are older, divorced, widowed, perhaps never married but would have wanted to be etc. often start to border on desperation (often entirely unintentionally and as this happens in strong women, beautiful women, confident women, and intelligent women alike). Standards get lowered, priorities may "adjust", red flags are overloooked, chances are taken, endorphins and oxytocin run high and unfortunately, hearts get broken, trust gets abused, and women feel humiliated, embarrassed, used and violated-i read it time and time again, or watch it on a tv program etc. although ive not had the experience firsthand, and alhamdulliah, ive been blessed with a healthy happy marriage, i am not perfect, I don't come here to use my marriage as the gold standard (in fact i refer to it very seldom as i am a very private person and I don't think anyone is interested in or can benefit from the "story of the Ahmed's" lol) and i am a woman like every other woman here (sorry luigi, you count as well ;) and give valuable insight as the one regular male contributor here) some of us may have more in common then others, and im no "expert" lol but i am a muslim middle eastern (yet also western hahaha) woman who has much life experience and observations from both hemispheres so to speak, and i share my insight for what its worth and show support to these brave women for sharing their stories so candidly and hope the best for them and for new women to be educated and aware before they too have a story to tell. One of the things i do is i write, and work with NGOs, and address different issues, so i watch an embarrassing amount of documentary programs on topics from a to zed...two days ago i came upon a program on my YouTube suggestions regarding something to the effect of "i married my bartender"/"fell in love on vacation"/something yo that effect, and the photo preview was of a woman about age 65 locking arms with a young fellow I guessed to be in his early 20s and egyptian-of course i was compelled to watch this reality-documentary because i had a suspicion of where it was headed and turns out that i was correct (although the fellow turned out to be Tunisian and not Egyptian as i first guessed lol) the story of these women on the program (there was around 7 if i recall) could have easily been any one of those herein that's how eerily similar they were; yet we are also talking about a wide array of women here (ages backgrounds size shape financial status ran the gamut) and this was FAR from an old ugly or unintelligent woman problem-just as many have stressed in this site time and time again!! Each story had its own cute harmless beginning, interesting body and unique outcome-but none of them ended favorably or even on fair circumstances; every one of these women has either been duped entirely or blinded by infatuation. The show was clearly intended for entertainment purposes and not any semblance of a cautionary tale was it at all, however anyone watching it knowing about the MMD (my mohammed is different) or BEZNASS (jargon relating to the "business" of love and the mena men who work in it) would see the blatant red flags and how these women has comepleteely justified every little detail in their own minds to allow those red flags to go unheeded. I was smh aghast and wanting to scream at the ipad "NO!!! THAT IS NOT NORMAL TO SLEEP WITH A MUSLIM MAN BEFORE MARRIAGE!!!! NOT EVEN IF (AND MAYBE ESPECIALLY NOT IF) HIS PARENTS PROVIDE YOU THE ROOM AND THE MATTRESS TO DO SO!!! THIS post has exceeded my intended length lol by a long shot but i feel like some things cant be said enough, an then underlined, boldfaced, caps and excalamation pointed when a woman might only read one or two posts here or wherever and use that as advice she reads in it (if she ended up here at all, there is a high likelihood that it wasn't exactly accidental-not many persons go searching for "arab/syrian guy stereotypes" and memes to send to their older brother to remind him why he's still single, and stumble onto this site (yes that is how i ended up here initially, the reason i stayed however is no laughing matter, and has piqued my attention enough to make it the topic of a future piece i am writing to boot). Yes, there are decent mena men here on planet earth-i am married to one and wouldn't change him for the world-but in saying that, he is also all i know. I could've married anyone I chose but as allah would have it, i married an Egyptian for life and my particular marriage is a strong genuine and happy one although that hardly can be used as a testament to the disposition and character of Egyptian men AS A WHOLE!! That would be like saying bill clinton was unfaithful therefore all white men are philanderers and poor husband material. While there are definitely very true generalizations amongst particular cultures or ethnicities (especially when said culture is not that of our own), every man too, good or bad, is a unique case and must be judged accordingly. Just because a man may be from a culture you aren't familiar with, DO NOT ever let that affect your moral code or what you expect of him overall, as a person. For example, if you would find it unusual and unacceptable for a man in California to come to you for $100 to replace his broken cell phone and you would decline to assist, it shouldn't be any less unacceptable for a man in Morocco to do so, or for you to oblige. His socioeconomic status is not the issue do not allow yourself to fall into that incorrect way of seeing it. He is very well likely much less wealthy than California man, BUT if he is a man of integrity he conducts himself as such regardless of his background. (Ironically, in this respect, when you compare a very respectable mena man to what is considered respectable in american man, it is very likely that the American man comes out looking rather uncouth lol!! More casual and relaxed approaches to dating and openness in western relationships is to blame, by Comparison mena dating can seem old fashioned and chivalrous-not bashing either necessarily just making an example of how incredibly different things can be perceived in the best of cases and it goes both ways). If you wouldn't sleep with an american man 20 years your junior, you shouldn't view the moroccan ANY different. I could use a ton more examples but i think you all can grasp the idea. Not all muslim/middle eastern/north african men are monsters inherently designed to con and romance unsuspecting older western women with money, and not all western women are older, rich, desperate for romance and seeking it from their tunisian pool boy in sousse. ;) ladies, my best advice to all is just to look out for #1 first and above all else: YOU. Find happiness and fulfillment independently and chase YOUR dreams and goals, NOT the dreams that you feel will lead you to the "goal" with a man at the end of it-if you do that, you will protect your heart, your body, you integrity, and THEN if someone special comes into your life they will only find a foothold if they fall into place in the space you have; they will compliment what you have going for you, NOT having to complete you. We are all human, we all have little bits of us that are broken some should be repaired in-house, and sometimes we rely on those closest to us to fill in our need gaps and we do the same for them-NEVER though, should you expect a relationship or a man to be the handyman who can fix all our broken spots, in doing that you will only break more. Trust the advice of those who have a permanent place in your life and don't justify or defend or protect those who do not. There are so many wise women on here, with good solid words of support and advise so to those in doubt, or in a rough place, you are not alone, you won't be laughed at or pitied here; i think everyone would agree this is a source of support and education for anyone who genuinely needs it. It pains me to read comments tearing individuals down or purporting to pass judgment, or elevate ones relationship above those who have been hurt. Those who share are doing so bravely and willingly, and its not a court of law so there shouldn't be any need to plead ones case or justify ins and outs of a relationship. Asking advise or sharing a story is admirable i just don't understand those who come, try to present facts as they perceive on their situation and then proceed to debate with those offering their honest and well intentioned advice. Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments". Reader comments (21923) on this item
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