Straight Talk Luigi

Submitted by LeMew/Luhx (United States), Nov 6, 2015 at 15:19

As in your case, Luhx, they didn't just start looking abroad for a husband. They tried it more locally first.

I was not looking locally before trying somewhere else. *Eye Roll*

But I am genuinely concerned here. You're not the first person to say something like that---have an abusive Western partner and then after a fairly short time and marry an international man who probably says all the right things.

In your posts, you emphasize American and Canadian and British men. That's troubling. While it is true that First World men in a lot of cases from Tokyo to Athens have very little in the realm of dating skills and other are just abusive like your former partner, I am concerned that this is pillar of your marriage. Marrying someone just because they are from somewhere else to thumb your nose is a bad idea, even if it gives one some sense or satisfaction of revenge.

Let me try to help you with your "genuine" concern. I was in an abusive relationship and then THREE YEARS after that I met my husband. It was not in a "fairly short amount of time" as you are suggesting and I had relationships previous to my husband after that with great guys but I could not bring myself to commit because I simply wasn't in love. I emphasized American/Canadian/British men simply to make a point that men from all cultures can be abusive and controlling. They can cheat, they can hurt you and they can lie. It isn't just men you meet on "holiday" and it isn't just men from other cultures than your own.

ANYONE who would marry someone as an act of "revenge" isn't marrying for the right reasons (Uh, duh.) and clearly needs to review their own motivation with their personal life because seeking "revenge" is an unhealthy act on its own.

It might be stated you are also wrong about Muslim men and dating. There are many Muslim men who do date, sometimes in secret before engagements, sometimes openly. I have a couple Muslim friends here who date with the intent to become married. (Similar to many Christians) Do you honestly believe that no Muslim men date before marriage? LOL. Okay, you are the expert right?

You cannot sit at your keyboard and actually expect people to believe that every single Muslim man doesn't date before marriage ...... Or can you? You seem to make sweeping judgements about Muslims (as an entire group, not individuals with varying personal beliefs and morals) and think that means every single one on the face of the earth, which is ridiculous. Sure, there are some that don't date before marriage. Guess what, there are some that DO date before marriage. *Whispers* I bet some of them even MARRY the girl they dated!!! *GASPPPPPP*

See, this passage right here highlights some problems in your thinking. You're saying you went with this man (and later married him) after meeting him on holiday (in Vegas, not exactly a treasure trove of honest people) and communicated with him on-line while he was Egypt until you two married.

That situation in and of itself carries a lot of red flags. Meeting you on holiday, when your guard is perhaps more down and then talking on-line without even meeting until the wedding???

It's no wonder you've been reading this site, Luhx! Your relationship had (and probably still does to some extent) all of this uncertainty. I doubt being married has completely washed it away. In a sense, I can almost see you trying to convince yourself this is real by writing on here. Is that the case?

You would have to define "went with this man" first. I met him, spent time with him (that was not intimate) and decided he was worth getting to know. Why? Because I'm an adult and that's what adults do when they meet people that they like. I made the choice to continue to talk to him when I realized I continued to like him even after we parted ways and nine months later he came to America because I refused to go to Egypt. Why did I refuse? I wanted the relationship to start where I was comfortable, where I had a safety net and where I had the most control. Why again? Because I'm not stupid and I wanted to do things my way is why.

So you are basically trying to say that there are no long distance relationships that work out? Or is it just long distance relationships with Muslim men? Or just with Muslim men you met on holiday, or that awful Vegas place full of all those untrustworthy people?

Really now? So people who meet from other states/countries are doomed and should not ever pursue the person that they felt something for because meeting someone from somewhere else is a red flag so stop, drop, roll? That makes no sense. *Eye Roll So Hard I See My Own Brain*
Many successful relationships started out as long distance ones. Eventually in order for that relationship to continue to grow/evolve into something that lasts you have to make choices that involve relocating to be with each other. This was no different.

We met, we liked each other, we spent nine months communicating and getting to know each other and then we decided to take it to the next level. We've been married, and I'm comfortable in saying that for me this was the right choice and I am very happy with my relationship and my husband. I'm not like you who would tell everyone how wrong they are, how they should run, how they are doomed. I said it was right for me, it still is and I'm happy.

What makes you think you still aren't? You've only been married for a year, you married him quickly, and it's not clear to me how soon that happened after your last relationship.

Also, yes, it's possible he has a wife and kids in Egypt and that this is a scam. At the very least, Luhx, you owe it to yourself to ask if this marriage IS real, in spite of everything you've seen on here and didn't like or what you have written recently.

I am NOT in favour of divorce, but the question women in these situations need to be asking is if the marriage vows were even real on his part to begin with. I can tell you that is NOT the case in a VISA scam.

You spend so much time attempting to convince me to question my relationship, which by all accounts I have shown to be a normal marriage that is without abuse. Why? What is your motivation? You could claim that you want to help someone, but helping means understanding that not every situation is the same, not every relationship is identical and not all marriages like this are DOOMED. *Cue Scary Music*

You would seriously suggest I question my marriage to the point of even thinking of divorce because it might be a scam even though nothing suggests that it is? What kind of wacked out advice is that? What you are basically saying is that no matter what I would say/disclose or even explain you will counter with something that would pressure me into "questioning" my marriage and my husband when you are a stranger that does not know us personally. That's a high horse you are on, and quite heavy advice you are throwing out to people you don't actually know.

I'm really no sold that him convincing you to move there means this is home-free. This has come up before on here, and liars and scammers are quite crafty when they are talking to anxious, hurt or depressed people. In some cases, they may even threaten to cut off communication. I even had this happen to me at least once to some degree. But, they can do that when they have the power over you. Luhx.

I don't have to sell you, which would clearly be impossible anyways because you have already deemed my marriage as a scam (or possible one) that should be questioned. I stumbled across this website when I was researching inter-faith marriages. This was two years ago. I read some of the things on here which did cause discourse in my relationship because of the amount of negative stories. Did it help me? Well, it helped me in researching more on what exactly I was getting into. It helped me have the discussions that were needed as far as marriage, religion, converting to Islam (would he want me to or expect me to), how we would raise our children and so on - but the reason for posting was to show that not all Muslim men are scammers, and they aren't all liars who are abusive. That's my personal experience, and I can only speak on what I have experienced. Nobody has a crystal ball to see into the future . [That includes you by the way]

It might also be mentioned that I am not depressed. (Thanks Doc!) I went through three years of therapy after a relationship that physically and mentally broke me down. Due to that I came out healthier, stronger and more independent than I had ever been in my life. I lived through SEVERE abuse, manipulation and emotional bondage. I survived, and am well aware of the warning signs which you call "red flags". Have you ever experienced an abusive relationship where you were involved with someone for four years and they almost murdered you? Isolated you from all your friends and family? Broke you down so much that suicide seemed like the best way out? Had to spend a year in physical therapy because the person who claimed to love you beat you so badly they caused damage to your spine? Woke up in critical care after a beating that almost took your life? Have you ever lived through something like that? Slept with your tennis shoes on because you wanted to be ready to run if you had to? Have you ever sought counseling due to that? Had intensive emotional therapy? What exactly makes you such an expert on abuse - emotional OR physical? Are you a therapist that can somehow diagnose depression through the internet?

You are playing a very dangerous game by sitting behind a computer screen and acting like you are the end all to answers on relationships, abuse and marriage. Giving advice is one thing – sitting around pretending you have the absolute answer (which is obviously guiding every single person to question their marriage to the point of divorce or end their relationship totally) is a completely different one altogether.

Well, on-line, distance dating always will be a struggle. That's why most people don't do it and why it's a paradise for scammers. They have the advantage of withholding information otherwise detectable. That's one big reason why this forum is full of bad stories, and that's why it's not going to change.

In another post, you talk about there being "good stories". I have addressed this several times on here, Luhx, and there never will be as many good stories as bad ones.

Do you have the statistics to online dating and how many people do it compared to the old fashioned way? How many of those lead to marriage? How long the people typically stay married in relationships that start out online or long distance, or *DUN DUN DUN* BOTH!? Do you even consider them real? Or is it only a "REAL" marriage if two people meet the way YOU think they should, and marry the person of the same culture or religion so that it works?

Statistically, it's actually become very common. You can google it, if you are interested and do a little research of your own. We live in the age of technology after all. What evidence do you have that "MOST PEOPLE DON'T DO IT" exactly? I'm interested since you seem to have factual evidence? There may never be AS MANY good stories as there are bad ones . Okay? So? That does not mean that GOOD STORIES don't exist which was the only point I was attempting to make.

He sacrificed evertyhing he had in his life there to come and be with me.
You said: Did he tell you that? If so, was pity part of the reason you married him?

No, he never told me that but he DOESN'T NEED to. That is a logical conclusion anyone would come to when you consider the circumstances. He is certainly not the kind of man who would use that as an emotional tactic to control me or attempt to make me pity him. You are literally like a vulture trying to pick apart every single thing I said and find something you can target to twist into something negative. Such dedication. *Eye Roll, Third Time*

Was pity a part of the reason that I married him? I'll put pity in the same category as revenge for a starting list of stupid reasons to MARRY someone ok? No. I married him because for the first time in my life I met someone who I felt safe and loved with. I met someone who was worth my time, my emotion and my love. It just happened that person was from Egypt, and is Muslim.

Oh, I see. TOTALLY different, huh? Why the emphasis, Luhx? Are these issues more problematic that what you are saying?

Calm down. I was merely giving real life examples of what differences you might face being in a relationship with someone from a totally different background than you. In any healthy relationship you learn to compromise. You don't give everything up, but sometimes you have to meet in the middle. I have made compromises, and he has also made compromises. That's a big part of being married. No matter who you are when you get married things about your lifestyle CHANGE. When you marry someone who is from another country, culture and religion there are going to be things that you discuss that you probably would not discuss with someone who was from your same religion, country, culture. That should be kind of obvious right?

I see---so you admit to having anxiety and past relationship issues and you what? Rushed into the arms of the first sweet talking guy who looked and was culturally "different" than you?That's not unique, Luhx, that's an old story and one that more than naught leads to a scam and a heartbreak. You even threw in a the "honestly" modifier for good measure. I've learned not to be sold on that!

^This is just really not even worthy of a response. Now you have gone from edgy to insulting and belittling while making assumptions which are so far off base it's actually amusing. Who doesn't have anxiety because of past relationships? Who do you know who hasn't been in bad relationships? You obviously have. This is just a part of anyone who has experienced life. Did I rush into the arms of the first "sweet talking guy that was culturally different".... *Blank Stare* Seriously? You aren't really being serious are you? Are you a troll? You can't actually be this ignorant?

I might not have "SOLD" you on my marriage (Wasn't trying to btw)... However, you've sold me on a couple things.

-Your complete contempt and bitterness for any relationship that doesn't fit into some model ideal of what you think it should be.
-The fact that you think you really know everything about long distance relationships.
-That you believe you are an expert on abuse.
-That you also believe you are an expert on inter-faith marriages.
-That you think can diagnose mental disabilities through an internet forum.
-That you also think you know without a doubt I should start to question my marriage and maybe consider divorce because my husband is a Muslim from Egypt. Especially since we met on a "holiday" in VEGAS where there just aren't many trustworthy people (your words)
-That you are the kind of person that no matter what someone says you will have an answer ready to negate them, their point of view and allow you to delegate YOUR judgement.
-That you've been hurt in the past and can't seem to believe that there are people out there who found happiness.
-That you will do everything in your power to attempt to manipulate people's words/experiences so that you can twist even the most positive thing into something that is dark, negative and a total "red flag, high alert".

I read this and initially wasn't even going to respond because you are just ridiculous with your feigned "concern" and your "advice" but after several people on here added me on facebook and mentioned this I decided I would come and try to explain myself.

In doing that I realized that I can't explain myself or my situation to you. I can't prove to you that my husband loves me, just like you can't prove to me he doesn't – although you seem hell bent on attempting to try to make me question that love.

I wanted to come here to show that two years after meeting my husband (Who is Muslim and from Egypt) things are still going well and that while you should be cautious in EVERY relationship you involve yourself in - You should not completely shut off an entire religion, or area of the world just because "scams, blah, blah, blah, Muslim Bad, blah blah blah..."

By sharing my personal experience and even offering to add people on facebook I had hoped they might be able to find something insightful about their own experience in relation to mine but thank you so much "STRAIGHT TALK" for showing me that I didn't really want to do that at all and I was just "crying for attention..."

The only thing you have proven is that you don't want to believe (and you certainly don't want ANYONE else to believe) that there are functional, healthy and happy marriages that are also inter-faith and multi-cultural. (Certainly not ones with a Muslim man involved)

That's your problem, and I don't plan to make it mine. I also plan to not comment/visit/reply which I am sure will make you happy and you can sit back in your computer chair and continue to be the judge of all the people who come here and tell them that NO MATTER HOW HAPPY THEY "THINK" THEY ARE - THEY AREN'T REALLY HAPPY and that even if they are RIGHT NOW they will surely be crying later because we all know that there are just NO healthy and successful relationships between a Western Woman and a Muslim Man. (MINE INCLUDED! Lol)

& It wouldn't matter if I came here in two years, or in three years, or in five years - You would still be saying the exact same things. You would still believe you are right about a marriage between two people that you've NEVER met/don't know and have a very limited amount of information from only because of an internet forum. (& even with that limited information, still jump to baseless and INCORRECT assumptions)

There ARE people in this world who actually want to share their experiences who understand that not all situations and not all people are the same. They will give advice from their point of view but let it be known that their advice isn't an exact answer because everyone and every situation is different. They come from a real place of caring/concern not pretend concern dripping with sarcasm and hostility at the mere thought of a happily married Western woman with a Muslim Man. There are people who actually do care and want to help.

YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. You are the opposite of those people, someone so obviously bitter and scorned that you can't take any positive feedback without attempting to manipulate that "happy" person into being just as suspicious and bitter as you clearly are. You aren't concerned about anything, you just like sitting at a computer trying to make people feel shitty about their relationships because you once felt shitty about your own when you got played.

Now you can counter with your endless nonsense, tell me I obviously know something is wrong because I'm soooo defensive and spout off your pathetic theories, ideas and supposed insight. Fact is, you don't know me. You don't know my husband. You certainly don't know my marriage. You know the little that I have told you and couldn't even get that straight. You definitely are not a real therapist, and most importantly your opinion/judgement doesn't really matter. I gave this the time of my day only because I didn't want you to sit back all smug in your computer chair thinking that you made me question for one second the love between me and my husband. You haven't, not that you surely didn't give if your best damn shot.

But hey, ok. What do you really want out of this? Attention? You got it. You WIN! I'm miserable. Everything you've said is right. Now pat yourself on the back and give yourself a round of applause.

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