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re: not out of the woodsReader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men Submitted by Amy (United States), Mar 6, 2015 at 12:05 Firstly I would like to thank you for speaking to me respectfully. It seems that it's easy for people to get caustic and rude when sharing their views or differing opinions. I think you brought up some factors I didn't think necessary to include in my original post but I'll be happy to answer them now. First of all I would like to state that I didn't wind up on this forum looking for skeptical views on marrying an Egyptian. I was actually googling things like "missing Egypt" "Egyptian cultural manners" and things like that. As it happens, the internet is inundated with stories or cautions about marrying internationally, especially to a muslim. It's very skewed in that direction, and I believe that it is not representative of everyone and I wanted to share my story to counter the negative image that is being given to all Egyptian men in a broad sweep. The main point you brought was about someone deceiving or securing a marriage to get a visa. I know this happens a lot, in many countries. Yes, there are people who only care about that. But I think I'm safe to say that, the only way that could be a concern in my particular situation, was if I was actually intending to live here in the US. I am not. As it happens, I am trying to work out with my job to telecommute from Egypt for the rest of the year. Our long term plans are to settle in a Gulf country in shaa Allah. There never was a plan- for him, for me, or for us as a couple- to live in the US or any other western country. I don't want to stay and continue to raise my children in this culture. He has already lived in the west for several years and actually returned to Egypt well before his visa expired because he couldn't stand the lack of religious feel and resources. He doesn't want to go back to that, either. So at least as far as we are concerned, that pretty much squashes the whole "visa motive". And it's interesting you said that a decent guy wouldn't stick around while I detached from my ex, that they would've moved on to something better. Well, visa seekers do that too. They are capable of getting vulnerable women who don't have 4 kids, or two exes, or drama. There are women who are younger than me, older than me, less gullible than me, better off than me, that would be a better choice for such a ruse. People who hustle don't waste their time on a drain, either. So that brings us to the point, why do we "waste time" on anyeone if they are stressful to deal with on some level? Well, because we love them bigger than that, usually. We see an end to that, something better coming after. This leads into the nature of the work of marriage, the meaning of commitment, and the patience of sincere affection. It's not that he was ok with what was going on, but he was trying to be fair and considerate of my situation (since I do share custody with my ex) while setting his standards. He gave me plenty of ultimatums. I had to do a lot of adjusting in a short amount of time. But Alhamdulillah those issues are past and we are just enjoying one another unhindered now. You are right I haven't been married long. I don't think that is any reflection on the sincerity of the two people in the marriage- they are completely separate issues. I knew my first husband for 2.5 years before we married, and he was the most insincere of all three. My second husband I also married quite soon after meeting him, and we managed to stay married over a decade despite that. I could remain married to my current husband another 30 years, or another 3 months. That's not the issue. If our marriage fails, it's going to fail because of factors other than sincerity. The reason I write in is not because of doubt as much as it is because there is a presupposition that someone being a foreigner means that someone is a fake or scammer, as you said. Is it not conceivable that people all over the world, in every other country, are truly looking for a good spouse? Is it not legitimate that in today's global society, looking into other countries to find a mate who may be more suitable than the ones in your locale is a fair way to search? There are more REAL people out there trying to just meet others, get to know someone who would be a great lover and companion, than scammers. Think also about the fact that even those in less developed countries have concerns too when they get to know westerners. Don't you think they ask themselves why are they looking to marry a foreigner, when they could have anyone from their country? Why aren't they finding matches where they live? What might be wrong with them psychologically or physically that they are not found suitable for marriage where they are? Are they just shallow maybe, looking for the thrill of marrying someone with an accent and a tan? The bottom line is, every genuine person worries when they meet someone for the first time...and that's true whether you meet online and live across the world from one another or meet someone in your corner Starbucks who lives down the road. Meeting new people is tricky, and dishonest people are everywhere. That is why my point is that the only way to reduce the chances of such pitfalls is to have some sort of spiritual compass, some sort of connection to something greater to help navigate such things. When we fall into this delusional belief that we have to know everything about someone to be able to make the right choices, we are forgetting that everything we 'know' is still vastly subjective and hence not 100% reliable. Submitting....
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