Bewildered: You are going to get BURNED by this Man

Submitted by Straight_Talk_Luigi (United States), Dec 14, 2014 at 22:21

Bewildered:

I understand why you are curious about this man. And no one could possibly blame you for liking a man who is giving you this kind of attention, and believe me, I know it's probably exciting and maybe he makes you feel young. No one in their right mind could fault you for having feelings.

But you also have a duty to yourself to avoid certain scandal, and I KNOW that is exactly what is going on here.

After reading your response, you need to be aware of some things:

1) He could already be married. A 30 something Iraqi Muslim man who is single----that's not exactly an easy find. I think you need to realize that in the Third World, people marry young, even before they are 18, and I don't just mean child brides.

2) If you are getting a divorce at 53 and you've been married for 20-30 years, a lot has changed, and your comments really lead me to believe that you are behind the 8 ball on a lot of things. Now, I'm not trying to be insulting or demeaning here, Bewildered, but even the authorities are a step behind when it comes to the internet on many things. It's not just this man that's the problem. It's also about how you're approaching all of this, Bewildered.

3) People who want a real relationship or even a friendship will NOT screw it up by panting I LOVE YOU!!! Or MARRY ME in the first 3 DAYS of the relationship! The fact that you *think* you have calmed him down on this is irrelevant! You haven't changed him or his motives, Bewildered!

Face the music-----he's already made his bed!

4) On-line, international dating is always, ALWAYS going to have uncertainty if you live in the First World and you would-be partner lives in the Third World. This is why a lot of people probably don't do it, and that's why if you read down this blog you'll find posts that say things like "I'm not sure, but I'm marrying him/her anyways----LOL!".

5) On-line dating in general has risks. A lot of people are liars, scammers and cheaters. Some are depressed or mentally ill and are not really ready for a serious relationship and others are just some lost souls. It's really not quite so easy. A big thing on here is a woman thinking she's a found who just finds her social media profile on-line (not even a dating site) and just messages her. You can bet real money you're not the only one if this has happened to you, Bewildered.

6) As such, I think there's a great chance this man is talking to other women. Normally, that's fair game since you two are not committed, and you really won't be since he's clearly after a VISA or money---or maybe just sex. But he doesn't love you.

You may have said these are "assumptions", but in truth, they are well founded. And people make these kinds of determinations ALL the time.

Also, the massive politeness, while appreciated, still cannot take away the fact that all you've done is tell him what we've said----and really, what did you expect him to say? That he's really after a VISA, is already married, or that once he gets stateside he'll dump for a Muslim virgin? And how do you our stories started out, Bewildered? With raging abusive drug dealers? Come on!

That's why your post has the marks of a man-defense post. I'll bet real money that even as women defended their men on here at some point, the man was out lying, cheating scheming or scamming her behind her back.

Know that if you continue with this, you WILL get burned.

So, having read and thought very long and hard about this, I have decided to continue to talk to this man.

This is a waste of time. I am disappointed to hear this, because he is a scammer and is only after a VISA.

I have discussed all of my concerns with him and he has been kind, considerate and seemingly honest thus far.

In other words, you've told him exactly what we've said looking for…..what exactly? That he's going to come out and say "Yeah, they're right, I'm a liar and a scammer"??

Liars and scammers on-line are more than happy to talk about how bad, well, liars and scammers are. That's actually a sales technique to get someone to buy into their offer---"oh, no, no! I'm not like those other people, and I understand your concern".

A woman who has been married for a long time going through a divorce is ripe, prime target for this.

He is adamant that he does not need my help in any way,

(laughs) I'm sure.

he has not mentioned the word marriage since day 3 and has since stopped telling me he loved me because it makes me uncomfortable.

NO WAY!!!! He hasn't talked about MARRIAGE since the third day you were talking ON-LINE! Whew! What a RELIEF! I mean, that MUST mean you are the right track now!

Oh, and he loves you, too? Just for talking for 3 days?

I had a couple of Russian women tell me they loved me too after a couple of conversations. Does that mean their love for me was real?

Let me ask you this, Bewildered: If a man who was 60 with a balding head, droopy eyes and a wrinkly face from down the street told you the same thing---would you also be making these excuses? Or would you write him off as weird?

I'm not jumping into marriage with him as I suspect a few of you may have been thinking,

You don't have to "jump into" it. I suspect that doesn't happen in many cases. What does happen is that he will wear you down, you won't be in control because you will tell yourself that this your one and only chance to date someone much younger and different than you because it's so cool and you think you can show him off----until you marry him, he learns good English and gets a drivers license and bolts for a religious virgin from his own culture. These kinds of scams may take years to fully materialize, Bewildered.

but unless it becomes evident to me that he wants something other than my affection, I will talk to him and see where this goes.

Either he's going to see you as a VISA opportunity, or he's going to look elsewhere. I would not be surprised if he is already looking at other women for this as well, and given your inexperience with the internet, he would have a much easier time doing that.

I'm not going to fall head over heels and marry him the minute his feet touch US soil, but I like him. I think he's nice and I find him interesting.

All liars and scammers are nice to start off with. Do you think the rest of on here just decided to hook up on-line with a raging abuser?

Talking is how relationships start, yes?

Hold on, Bewildered---I thought you already said you were in a relationship???? So….which is it?

Also, you're just making excuses at this point.

For Luigi (sorry I'm not good with copy and paste to quote you), I'm not sure what online status has to do with anything.

These two statements are very concerning. It tells me you are not experienced with using the internet and distance dating----this puts you at a HUGE disadvantage, which is why we are having this conversation, Bewildered.

My phone is on 24/7, it doesn't mean I have it in my hand. But when I text him, he replies promptly if that means anything.

So…..in other words, you both are REALLY available. That's not good. It says neither of you has much of a life outside of the relationship.

, he replies promptly if that means anything.

It means he is ALWAYS available. Most women I know would not find that attractive at all. A man who is so available is not a challenge and does not have a life outside of the woman, as dating guru Marius Panzerella would say. However, his reason may be that it's his job or entire social life to be talking to women for a VISA.

I disagree when you say this is not a relationship.

We are both real people, talking and getting to know one another. I think that constitutes a relationship.

And who's to say I'm not in a state of mind to be looking for someone else.

If a guy posted on here asking about going with a woman who is in the middle of a divorce, I would say NO.

It's pretty obvious that you are vulnerable and lonely, Bewildered, and I think you are giving this guy more free passes because he is foreign, exotic and younger.

I actually am in that state of mind. I don't want marriage, but I would like some companionship after a year of being alone.

That would be like a guy looking for companionship with a call-girl. She'll oblige so long as he can pay.

So, he doesn't need my money or a visa, he may want sex (I'm ok with that. I've had sex once in the last year and a half)

I cannot support sex outside of a valid marriage. I think if you read some of the other posts on here, you'll see why that's a problem.

For one thing, the religious man may go into it knowing it's really temporary and that in the end, he's going for the virgin in his own culture and faith. Meanwhile, the older and/or naïve woman starts to think there is something "special" (even if it's just the age difference/being with someone different) and wants a more solid relationship----so she's all in. It's also not unusual for foreign men to see Western/East Asian women as sexually promiscuous---meaning they may not only expect sex, but the idea that you would want a stable, committed relationship out of the deal may not even cross his mind.

And people wonder why these things blow up in their face.

and bragging rights (no different than any other man).

Would you be okay if a 60 year old, balding bar fly wanted to see you just for bragging rights? Would you tell yourself it'd be fine then, too?

Having said all that, you seem to know quite a lot about these scams and I'm most appreciative of your

frankness.

Thanks--- and yes, I do know a lot about this and have a unique perspective since I am a guy, but I wouldn't be so proud as to brag because some of this knowledge came from experience which had some price tags.

But apparently, this isn't enough to convince you that you are going to get burned.

All of these responses have led me to discuss my concerns with this man,

As I suspected. This won't do you any good. I think you need to ask yourself why your first go-to person was a foreign man you've never met in real life as opposed to someone else you trust. And believe me, Bewildered, you don't trust this man one bit. If you did, you would have posted on here or have looked this up.

so I feel more grounded, eyes wide open, so to speak.

A lot of people didn't have the warnings you had, Bewildered, but you have not given me any reason to think you'll follow them.

I don't have children.

Are you really saying that because you don't have children that is not a scam?

To clarify for you, not everyone who aided the USA gets a free pass to our country. The U.S. military left Iraq in 2009. I suppose he didn't feel endangered at that time, so why leave your family and your country? However, since my last post, he has sold his apartment and left Iraq for Turkey where he hopes to obtain refugee status. He thinks this will take 3-6 months. He insists he doesn't need my help. I guess we will see what happens there. Also, his sister is married, so would not be traveling alone. Thanks for sharing and helping me to have caution.

These are irrelevant details. Liars and scammers will say they love you right away just to get a free pass to the country they want to get to. That's why he said that, and he's backing off because he knows he doesn't have you hooked yet. But, he'll work at it constantly now that you've given him the chance.

m sure you have the best of intentions, thank you. So, I'm not in love, but I like him. I want to get to know him more. I told him I would go out in date with him when he got to the U.S., had to explain what a date was, lol.

He didn't know what a date was because dating is, strictly speaking, not allowed in Islam.

I'm not naive enough to be swindled.

One day I hope to say that this guy is an exception to the rule here.

He isn't. All the warning signs are there.

If only I had a dollar every time someone said "But mine is different! You'll see…no really! Mine's different!"

maybe I'll have a new friend who has a new life and that will make me happy.

Not gonna happen.

I'll keep posting.

I sure hope so, Bewildered, because if you keep this up, you will get burned.

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