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To ConfusedMind - you and your child deserve betterReader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men Submitted by Raquel Saraswati (United States), Aug 10, 2014 at 23:16 Dear ConfusedMind, This post was brought to my attention, and I hope that you find my response useful. It appears that others have chimed in already with some excellent points. First, I am sorry that you are in what sounds like a very trying situation. As you may have come to realize, the "orfi contract" is not a real marriage contract. It is neither a legitimate Islamic marriage contract (nikah), nor is it a real civil marriage contract. It sounds like he didn't even have two witnesses sign the document. In brief, an "orfi" contract is often used by men as a way to reduce their own guilt around having pre- or extra-marital sex; and/or to pressure a woman into a continued relationship wherein she is obligated to provide him with sex, money, shelter, and more. One of the many downsides for you is that the document does nothing to secure your position in the relationship, nor does it guarantee any kind of safety or security for your unborn child. There are several things in your post which concern me. You describe a man who uses emotional blackmail, extortion, anger and control to maintain a connection with you, but who gives you nothing in return – emotional or otherwise. If anything, he takes from you – you even say he stole money from you. You even say that the two of you were incapable of talking about deeper issues, revealing that perhaps your only connection with him has been physical attraction and the comfort of a man's physical presence, combined with the idea of a "home-like" environment. You could maintain a relationship with this man, but I assure you that it will never be what you seek. He is abusive; and from what you say here, also lacks the self-awareness and the desire to make any effort to be an equal partner. His initial happiness at the news of your pregnancy, I'm sorry to say, may have been happiness at the prospect of your being obligated to him due to having his child. He likely anticipated that because of the child, you would continue to provide for him financially and physically. As someone who advocates for women in situations like yours – but also as a woman (and a Muslim woman at that), I would encourage you to recognize that your only responsibilities right now are to you and your unborn child – and this man is good for neither. Should you choose to both maintain the pregnancy and keep your child, you must do what is in his or her best interests, while also taking care of yourself so that you can be both a good mother and a successful professional. I do gather from your message that there are things you need to work on internally so as to free yourself of this relationship and to avoid similar situations in the future. I understand that you found comfort in the idea of "home" with a man you also found attractive. You also chose to see his abusive possessive nature as "protective." Protectiveness is a wonderful quality in a partner, possessive behavior is not. Many women conflate the two. It is natural to want to feel needed, wanted, and even craved. That is all part of being a woman. None of this is anything to be ashamed of. It is also natural and healthy to want a sense of home, especially if that is something you have lacked. You describe your history with men as less than ideal, and you point out yourself that your self-esteem is low. Please, reflect on what you saw as a home-like environment with this man: an awful apartment, fits of anger, possessiveness, constant put-downs, multiple break-ups and his treatment of you as a personal ATM. Then, please give yourself the gift of looking into why you have set such a low bar for both "home" and "protective." Have you convinced yourself that an abusive man is better than no man – if so, why? Is it an emptiness in you? If so, how do you make yourself whole? No man, not even a wonderful, loving, respectful man – can do that for you. You said it yourself: "there is this constant emotional drama and there is nothing to build on." You – and most certainly your child – deserve better. Even if you decide that you are willing to tolerate a man like this, understand that it is not healthy for a child to be raised in the environment you describe. In other words, you can make the choice to remain in this toxic situation – but your child cannot, and to bring this child into that scenario will be damaging to him or her. This man is not part of your support network: he is taking from you, and offering nothing. I strongly encourage you to seek out support from friends, family if they are available to you, and a professional to work through some of your struggles. My biggest piece of advice to you would be: put your child first, along with yourself; and to seek counseling and emotional support. I wish you all the best, and will include you in my prayers. Should you wish to contact me, my email address is: raquelevita@raquelevita.com. All best, Raquel Evita Saraswati @RaquelEvita Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments". Reader comments (21923) on this item
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