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Answers to Confused MindReader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men Submitted by Dreams Destroyed (United Kingdom), Aug 5, 2014 at 10:12 Hello, I just read your post and I'm so sorry to hear that you too are going through such pain too. It is so hard to deal with these situations: you can't control your thoughts let alone your emotions. You feel like you're going crazy because you don't know fact from fiction. So how on earth can you know what to tell others when you done know what to tell your own heart and head! I'm in this situation right now and it is killing me. At least it is just me and I'm not pregnant so I can only imagine how your hormones are adding to your pain. The fact is for people coming from what we perceive as a "backward primitive" society they are supreme masters of reverse psychology without even doing it consciously. So many instances have shown me that the Eastern Muslim culture seems to breed a sense of entitlement, superiority and control: coupled with a shroud of secrecy. My husband was very open in the beginning and the only secret between us was that I needed to stay secret from his parents as they would not approve of me. He assured me that if ever there was a problem with his family, he would never give me up for them. Nearly 5 years later and he is preparing to do just that. We have separated as he has left me on the strength of a webcam conversation with his parents saying he is disowned unless he agrees to an arranged marriage. He left home saying nothing but called me from work later saying our marriage had to end and that he was separating from me. Just like that. He blamed his decision on the 1 argument we have had in 5 years: saying he felt he couldn't count on me as his rock anymore. He has now admitted he was wrong to leave but can't come back as I have told my parents about him leaving (how could I keep it a secret!!) and he is embarrassed. He said I am too close to my parents which is laughable as I speak to them once a week and am totally independent: yet he speaks to his daily, Skypes twice a week for 4 hours and is giving up a marriage on their say so! They are taught to be the alpha male from a young age. They are to be followed, respected, adored, and agreed with. No matter how unrealistic their views are on any issue, they will not accept challenge even when the other person knows better by having actual proof that what they're saying is right! They can only ever see their side of a situation and have a justification for everything! Not once has my husband solely acknowledged my pain at being left with no warning. He just keeps saying I should be there for him when he needs me......if I want to talk he either ignores me, or just shuts me down when he has had enough. He won't fight for anything or put in effort unless it really benefits him. When we were getting married and when he was applying for visas and citizenship here he was obsessive and researched everything and was meticulous. Anything else to do with me he couldn't even remember what I had said and won't put any effort in. For example, I've said he should just divorce me and he said if I want it I should do it all and pay and he will just sign! He won't even come and collect clothes and personal effects: he gets me to carry things to him when we meet. When we needed proof of joint connections he would pay a contribution (as in visible bills in joint names) but as soon as he got the visa to remain he stopped paying. He has never paid anything towards living as man and wife in 5 years. Maybe I should have set explicit boundaries but I've always worked on the basis that people should know what is right and fair and I would never freeload. The one time we argued about this is the argument he is now throwing back at me saying he can't rely on me as his rock anymore. I love him so much and our first years together were amazing. We've had so much fun and love together but our views on marriage grow more apart. I've seen sides to him since marriage and life in the UK that I never saw before. Marriage is sacred to me and I'm heartbroken. Trust me, the family tie always wins and is like a sword hanging over your head always. Waiting for the day it drops and kills your marriage. If someone can just tell you your marriage is over on the strength of a call and emotional blackmail from thousands of miles away then I feel they are a flawed character who don't love in the way that I love, which is true and with all my heart. Save yourself and the pain and know that having a child with this man will be traumatic for you if you allow him to be involved. Much love and support to you as I genuinely know the agony you're going through. I share it. I'm at home now, depressed, lonely and trying to rebuild my shattered life too. Xx Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments". Reader comments (21923) on this item
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