|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
please advice, pregnant by muslim bfReader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men Submitted by ConfusedMind (Netherlands), Aug 4, 2014 at 06:10 I have been reading a lot of your stories here and I would like to share my story, as I would love your opinion. My mind goes everywhere. This may also be due to the fact that I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with my muslim bf's baby. I am staying in my country in Europe, he is in Dubai, he's Egyptian. I just don't know what to think anymore. We met over a year ago, in Egypt, he had his own shop in a small tourist town (not one of the big ones with bad reputation) but he told me he had a university degree and he was just spending time there until he got set up, then he would leave. I was at a very vulnerable time in my life, unhappy with my life in my country, in my late thirties, looking to settle down, but feeling all the Western men were cheats and drinkers. I have my own business and I look a lot younger. But my self esteem was low, I blame my childhood for this. He seemed so different than all the other shopkeepers. Although his English wasn't great, he did have a degree, and plans for the future. He did wear scruffy clothes, but they looked so cute on him and his hair and the way he walked attracted me big-time. I had had some bad experiences with Egyptian men in the place I was visiting and I was on holiday alone, so his shop became my shelter. I hung out there, we ate together, and we would just lie down and cuddle. I felt I had been missing out on this homely feeling for a long time. He was possesive, but I found it comforting, in a way. At one point he took me to the place where he was renting a room and this actually shocked me, it was so bad, I could not believe it, but we joked about it and he told me it was just for now, and it was cheap. I stayed and the next day he started forcing the orfi contract on me. Because he did something that was against his religion and I felt so guilty that I gave in after a few days. I felt it was my fault as he told me about this before, and I felt responsible for staying with him, he seemed so innocent. He also told me he was a virgin, which I doubt as he did some things that must have come from experience. But he kept promising me he was a virgin and that the experience came form watching stuff on internet. Red flags here were: he was 26 and did not know my age, I told him I was much older than him, but he said he didn't care, that he only cared about my heart. He signed the orfi contract without knowing my age. After signing it, there was no romantic moment, he just left me in the shop for half an hour, and I felt a little lost about that, I expected more romance. Despite that, we still spent time in and around the shop and doing this together felt good. We had 4 baby cats walking in and out and it was just so homely. I left a few days later, he took me to the airport and we stayed in touch. He skyped me every day, although his computer was crappy and he often left the shop to talk to me from the internet cafe until it was closed. He immediately closed his shop, although I advised him not too, but he said he wanted to spend all his time with me in the month that i was coming. All decisions were made so quickly. I stopped one of my projects early, to come to him for a month, which was not good for my business, and made me lose a client. I kept saying to myself I need to do this and not always work, this is time to build my private life. In hindsight, I gave up way too much for him. But I went, and we had a month that was not perfect. We fought a lot about things (don't even remember what), he slept a lot and I was working online whenever I could, as I couldn't just stop my business. But somehow I could not leave him. He almost left me a few times but I begged him to stay. I felt so empty without him but that had more to do with my life than with how good we were. I just needed him, someone, next to me. I was so weak. But I held on to the moments together. Sleeping, eating and swimming were ok, but talking about deeper issues remained a problem. He also said we would visit his family, but that trip got canceled last minute. In that time and also in the next time I visited he started pushing me for a decision about our life, about where to live. Although he said in the beginning that he loved Egypt and didnt want to leave, he now said I needed to take a decision about going to my country together, or otherwise he would take on a job elsewhere, in Saudi or Dubai. I felt pushed and couldn't decide as we were not always having a great time. In September, almost 5 months after our first meeting, I was back home and I had a breakdown. I felt pushed to work and make enough money to support his transfer to here, but at the same time, I didnt feel secure that this was going to be ok. I couldnt put all my energy into it. I also hadn't told my family yet, I was scared. It was so stressfull, I started smoking again and finally I said to him that Dubai was the best option as I could not support him. It felt like a relief, he should take care of himself now and I said I would join him there. I started meditation and recovered from my breakdown. I told my family, packed for Dubai and went there, even before he had a job. I had to pay for the apartment, the food, many things. We had to move out of the apartment and to separate places due to money issues. This was very stressful. We both rented a room, shared with other people and we were on the verge of breaking up. I was in the new room, owning just a bed and a wardrobe and my stuff in my suitcase, when I found out I was pregnant. I felt happiness at first as having a baby was my biggest wish for years. And I still feel blessed. But the relationship was not stable. He was very happy about the baby and wanted us to continue, and we spent some time meeting each other in the evenings. I also booked hotels sometimes, to stay together. Unfortunately I did not feel supported or appreciated at that time. He advised me to go home to get my medical care, but when I did book a flight, he changed and he got very difficult to deal with. He would not pay for food as he said he needed to pay off his brother and one time he got very angry at me because I told him to lower his voice in the metro. And his anger, which I had seen many times before, stayed for hours and hours. I know a lot of this is just stress and I still believe he is a nice person. But my main problems are: he never supported me financially, never bought anything for the baby, he let me pay for everything and worst of all: he never told his family (up till now, they don't know about me or my pregnancy). His sister is on my facebook and i am very tempted to post a pic on there so that she can see. She is the only one knowing about us, but not about my pregnancy. He says it is a big shame for him if he is not married to me and if I am not staying with him. He tried to convince me to go back there, but I just can't. I have no trust. Where will we stay? Who will pay? He broke up with me twice after I returned home, but was in tears later saying he was sorry. There is this constant emotional drama and there is nothing to build on. He keeps blaming me for a lot of things and I also feel I can never live up to his expectations. My food was never good, he was telling me how to dress, comparing me to his mum and sister. He said he was liberal and would not force religion on our kids, but I dont really believe that now. What I would like to know is, do you also have experience with them turning the blame on you? I feel like he is A. very good at talking me out of all my doubts and objections B. an expert at turning the blame. making me feel guilty for everything, that i dont trust him, that i dont send him enough messages and love and support etc. I know my story is far from complete, but please advise! And I would also really like to hear about experiences with them turning the blame and making you feel guilty. I keep waiting for a sign that I can either trust him or not trust him but I am not convinced either way. Please help! Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments". Reader comments (21923) on this item
Comment on this item |
Latest Articles |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
All materials by Daniel Pipes on this site: © 1968-2024 Daniel Pipes. daniel.pipes@gmail.com and @DanielPipes Support Daniel Pipes' work with a tax-deductible donation to the Middle East Forum.Daniel J. Pipes (The MEF is a publicly supported, nonprofit organization under section 501(c)3 of the Internal Revenue Code. Contributions are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Tax-ID 23-774-9796, approved Apr. 27, 1998. For more information, view our IRS letter of determination.) |