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Response to Katie - Think Objectively and Always Listen to Your IntuitionReader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men Submitted by JA (Thailand), Jan 25, 2014 at 13:18 Please do not take this the wrong way, but you are 20 years old. You have time. Take it slow and don't rush into anything. I dated someone for less than a year before getting married to them. We didn't even have a proper engagement. It was so uncharacteristic of me to do such a thing. My friends and family told me that they'd support me in anything I did but they were certainly surprised to learn that I was married. He had convinced me that "no one needed to know" that we were getting married because it was "our business". I know how absurd that sounds but I went for it, again uncharacteristic of me, but that's what happens sometimes when one is in love. I also didn't care what other people thought. The interesting thing about all of this was that none of his friends knew we were married, not even his place of work. Before we got married, we argued a lot. In previous relationships I was never one to argue. I always believed in taking a break to cool down and then talk about it, but for some reason I never did this with him. I've since discovered that arguing with someone in the early stages of a relationship is a big warning flag. The other end to that is arguing with someone because you feel like you aren't being listened to. It's like arguing is the only outlet left because you feel like you're not being heard. In fact when we did argue my then husband listened to me but as soon as he cooled down things went back to "normal" where he lived the life he thought we were having and I wondered what the heck just happened because clearly he'd forgotten about the argument we just had because the same issues were still there...unresolved. I lived in this emotionless, loveless marriage for much longer than I'd like to admit. He got his greencard and things continued to spiral downhill. I had never been ignored like I was in this relationship. When things went wrong it was because of something I didn't do. When things were going "well" I was completely ignored. It was only when I threatened to leave him that suddenly all his friends and family learned that we were married but he failed to mention when we'd gotten married and he would never let me Skype with his family. When I divorced him, which took A LOT of courage on my part, he still didn't believe I would do it. We were sitting in the silent courtroom waiting for our names to be called and he tried to take my hand and gently kiss me and tell me that I was the only woman for him. I yelled at him in a whisper to stay away from me plus a few explatives and if you can believe it, the room got even quieter than it was previously. Right up until we approached the bench he tried to change my mind. It wasn't until a few days later that I felt free. So basically what I am saying is give it time. Don't rush into anything. My ex was 20 years old when we got married and I was a bit older. He was also a professional footballer who wanted the green card as a status symbol (which I learned about after we were married). After we got divorced my friends and family felt like they could finally talk to me again and stop walking on egg shells. They were very supportive and thankful that I finally saw everything they had seen from the beginning. If a man is truly into you, he will make the time to see you. With social media and Skype, distance becomes easier. If he's into you, he'll make the effort. Also, think about how you feel when he's not directly in your life. You said that when you saw him all the emotions came rusing back? How do you feel when he's not around? Furthermore, are you over-the-moon because he showers you in praise and attention when you're together? Does he listen to you and respect what you have to say? Does he answer every question honestly or does he turn it around and answer it in a way that best suits him? When he questions you about something, do you feel as though he's changing the facts to suit him and thus leaving you to wonder if what you said was incorrect, or does he acknowledge you for what you said and what you stand by? I know I've asked a lot of questions but sometimes it's difficult to have answers for questions unless it's written in front of you to contemplate. Whatever you do, just take your time and do what's right for you. Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments". Reader comments (21923) on this item
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