Reader comment on item: Advice to Non-Muslim Women against Marrying Muslim Men
Submitted by Alona (Croatia), Jan 2, 2013 at 12:48
Hello to everyone!
I am so glad I found this web site while searching and turning internet upside down in hope to find some answers about the situation I found myself in.
Prior to making this comment I want to share with you, I spent TWO MONTHS dedicated into reading and informing myself about Islamic culture, I started to read Quran, I searched for statistic data, I have seen more than 100 youtube videos on women rights in Islam, I talked to my Palestinian friends, to my Turkish friends, my family and I was constantly thinking and observing my brainstorming process.
What I have found while doing it was not only the answer about what to do in my particular situation, but it was also something more important - a whole NEW PERSPECTIVE ABOUT MYSELF and my psyche profile. That revelation shocked me, even though I knew I had problems, but this was the first time in my life I actually admited it to myself.
I wish every women in my situation to do the same.
So here's my story, in short, because my point here IS NOT what I have been through, but what I found out about myself!
I am European, 25 years old, with a master degree in Economics, with VERY attractive appearance and body every women would wish, fluent in English and German, have traveled three continents, worked in multicultural environment and very open minded young women.
I met my prince charming on a very first night I came to USA where I stayed for three months which I spend working on one environment project. I wasn't EVEN THINKING about having anything with him since he was a Muslim from Jordan, appeared much older than me and I was just buying a slice of pizza in a pizzeria he was working at. During that small talk we had I said where I'm from and where I'm working at. we had a pleasant conversations, he offered me help if I ever need anything and wrote down his email. At the end he didn't want me to pay.
Couple days later he popped out in front of my office asking if I need anything. I smiled and ignored him. A week after that, he called to my office asking me if I would accept if he send me a lunch. I said whatever and he did. After a while he started email me, soon we were texting all the time. Then we started dating. He told me he has been living in USA for 14 years and I asked him if he's married. He said he is, to American women and only for the papers. He was also in a relationship with an American-Spanish women who gave him a child and after three years ran away from him afraid he would steal that child from her.
After a while, we started a nice romantic relationship. I have never felt like that before. He treated me like a princess asking me EVERY SINGLE DAY how I'm doing or if I need anything. He bought me a lot of things, spent a lot of his time with me, fed me so many many times.
So you see. He didn't force me to do anything I DIDN'T WANT. He told me the truth about his situation right away and straight to my face. I knew there' s no future with a man who isn't free. But lack of knowledge about his culture and religion and the way he treated me, all those beautiful things he started saying to me, how beautiful I am, how he'll never disappoint me, how sexy i am, how smart I am. some intriguing veil of mystery he had combined with the fact he's not a free man and the whole relationship based on so many differences among two of us – THAT'S what really turned me on!
So tell me why would such a combination, SUCH A COMBINATION be attractive to any women with my description?
As the time of my returning to Europe was closer and closer I started to feel I have to end that 'no future thing' and I wanted to, but he was the one who came out with an idea he'll come to Europe to visit me. He made that promise and kept reminding me of it several times. I smiled and said I don't believe him. And I didn't. At the beginning.
So I came home. I have to mention that he was a gentleman till the very end. He took me to the airport and kissed me goodbye reminding me one more time about promise he made.
I thought that promise won't ring somewhere back, back, deep in my head and soon I'll be myself again, awoken and on my own life path. I was SO WRONG. As time was passing by, that promise and those words started to grow and grow drumming louder and louder and after a while, I found myself in desperate waiting and wishing him to come SO BADLY, thinking about future we might have and building a fairy tale scenario in my poisoned mind. And while I was doing it, at the same time, he stooped writing me so often, he stopped asking how I'm doing and every time I asked if he's working on his visa he seemed to me like he's retracting.
I found myself in an poisoned circle of examination. I was examining what we had, what we might have, who was he. I started to read, to inform myself... and the most important – I STARTED TO QUESTION WHO AM I?
I read an article made by a woman, who was working with western women who had problems with their Muslim husbands.
One part of that article LITERALLY opened my eyes:
'As a professional counselor, I find that women vulnerable to charming Arab men, (and they can be SO charming), are, almost 100 percent, woman from dysfunctional families, with low self-esteem. And they have limited ability to see options for their futures. I would URGE women to seek help for recovery from past family dysfunction before marriage. Many have been sexually abused as children or teenagers. I believe that their psychological/emotional needs, deep seated, make them vulnerable to Islamic men, and unsure of a relationship with Jesus Christ as the living God of love and power and forgiveness. I see many American women with what I label, "The mid-forties and unmarried panic."
I lost my father who was killed in a war when I was only 7 years old. I was the one who was playing in a backyard of my grandparent's house when neighbour seated me in his lap touching my genitals. I am the one whose mother has children with 3 different man and she has never married to any of them. I am the one whose sister ended up pregnant when she was 18, I am the one whose brother made a child when he was a teenager, I am the one whose other brother also made a child to his girlfriend and they made an abortion couple of months ago. I am the one who had never, never lived in a healthy family environment. I am the one who was always looking at my mother who was so desperate without a man's protection. I am the one who was always emotionally vulnerable to men with problems and no matter how well educated, smart, intelligent and open minded I am, still I am the one who has a big, big, deep emotional gap with no clear picture of a man who can and will protect me one day.
Can you imagine what a shocking revelation it was?
So my dear ladies, ask yourself who you are and what your problems are. Search. Ask. Inform yourself. And ask yourself what kind of future do you want! Time is running, will you ever forgive yourself if you spend so many years in a relationship with a WRONG MAN?
Being here and spending time on this forum is a GREAT start. If you are here – there is a doubt, isn't it?
If you wonder what happened with my situation after I figured out how unstable I am, I'll tell you.
I took my phone and erased ALL messages I kept just to read and remind myself from time to time on those beautiful words he said once. ALL. I erased all pictures of him I had. ALL. I also erased all the songs we were listening together. I gave things he bought me to my friends. And when I did all those things, I set down and did the very last thing I had to do. And the hardest thing, trust me. I wrote an email, short but straight, in which I said I don't want to see him, there's no need for him to come and I think the best would be if we remember our time spent together as a romantic relationship, beautiful for both sides. After I sent it, I deleted ALL emails we have ever sent to each other. He never responded. Even if he was, I wouldn't reply.
I felt such, SUCH a big relief. Like there was a little devil on my right shoulder and I've just shaked it off.
I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THIS EXPERIENCE. I started to believe that God sometimes gives us signs and option to choose in order to find out about ourselves and make right decisions.
I have better things in my life to do. First to work on myself and my self esteem. As a new year's decision, I decided to set an appointment with psychologist.
I have to try harder to stick to MY GOALS IN MY LIFE. I have to be focused on myself and on my career. If I won't care about myself, who will? I'll end up in a line with all those miserable and used women all around the world.
I hope you learned from my experience. I surely did and I feel good!
I wish you luck!
Note: Opinions expressed in comments are those of the authors alone and not necessarily those of Daniel Pipes. Original writing only, please. Comments are screened and in some cases edited before posting. Reasoned disagreement is welcome but not comments that are scurrilous, off-topic, commercial, disparaging religions, or otherwise inappropriate. For complete regulations, see the "Guidelines for Reader Comments".
Daniel Pipes replies:
This is an important testimony.
Reader comments (11026) on this item
Comment on this item
You can help support Daniel Pipes' work by making a tax-deductible donation to the Middle East Forum. Daniel J. Pipes